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The show opens with Truth Martini in the ring welcoming up to A Night Of Hoopla and telling the attendees to drink, but to drink responsibly because otherwise, they could hit a bus full of children on the way home. He passes the microphone to Scarlett, who sings a version of the National Anthem that's very boob-centric and ends with her taking her pants off as various graphics of American institutions like the Washington Monument, Mount Rushmore, and Walmart flash across the screen. Very interesting start to the show, and then we go to our first match...
TV Champion Matt Taven vs Eddie Edwards vs Adam Cole
Since we were pretty much required to have Taven on this show, at least they're getting him out of the way early. I wish he wouldn't almost certainly be beating two of the top singles stars in the company, but at least having Cole and Eddie in there will make this enjoyable. Referee Gino Colucci is wearing little pink tight briefs instead of pants tonight, so it looks like nothing is off limits in this one. Taven goes out to the floor before even making contact, but Eddie and Cole nail him with stereo baseball slides and then chase the Hoopla Hotties around ringside before taking turns beating Taven up, stopping at one point so Eddie can take a picture of Cole posing with a dazed and beaten Taven with a fan's camera. Eddie and Cole continue the beating for several minutes, even dumping Taven headfirst into a rolling trash can and rolling him across ringside in it before finally bringing him back inside to beat him up some more in there. Cole finally tries to jump Eddie from behind while Eddie has Taven hung upside down in the corner, but Eddie drop toeholds Cole into Taven's crotch, leaving them in a rather compromising position, then dropkicks both of them. Eddie gets a fan to whip him across ringside so he can nail Taven with the sliding dropkick, but then Taven goes outside and tries the same thing, but the fan unwittingly whips Taven into the ring apron. And all fans think they know how to work so much better than the boys. Cole nails Taven coming back into the ring and gives him a brainbuster onto his knee for 2, but one of the Hotties comes into the ring and clotheslines Cole. He goesn't get much of a break because Eddie is back in and gets a referee-assisted DDT on Taven for 2, then rolls Taven into the Achilles Lock. Scarlett gets on the apron and starts shaking her ass at Cole and Edwards to distract them as the crowd chants Eiffel Tower at them. Eddie chops Scarlett in the ass and then drills Cole with a superkick, but Taven slips in and hits Eddie with the front DDT for the win.
Winner: Matt Taven
Taven shows himself to at least be a thoughtful gentleman by rubbing Scarlett's poor, chopped ass before clearing out with the girls. Eddie and Cole shake hands, then appease the fans by doing a faux-Eiffel Tower, obviously without the necessary focal point in between them.
Jimmy Jacobs comes out next to do a live rendition of the Ballad of Lacey, then does his new song Gypsy Soul. I have to say, I really liked the song, and as Truth points out afterward, it's available at iTunes for anyone interested. Truth then introduces Maria Kanellis as the referee for our next match, and this one is a doozy...
"Machismo King" Jay Lethal vs Delirious
Lethal and Sensational Sista Sherri come out on a Wrestlemania 3 style cart (well, a push cart at least), and Lethal cuts a promo on "Warrior" telling him that he's soared with the eagles and slithered with the snakes, and another notch on the belt of the Machismo King is going to be no problem, YEAH,and at the Night of Hoopla, he's going to take his career. Lethal always does a dead-on Macho Man, but Sensational Sista Sherri certainly held up her part as well when she did a pretty faithful imitation of Sherri telling the Warrior that he ain't seen nothing yet. Delirious, making his first in-ring appearance in ROH in over two years, does the Ultimate Warrior entrance as he races back and forth along the apron and shakes the ropes before coming back into the ring and crouching in the corner to await the bell.
So in case you hadn't figured it out yet (or weren't even born when the original angle happened), they're doing a modern reenactment of the classic Savage-Warrior match at Wrestlemania 7, doing an almost move-for-move imitation of the original. I won't do a play-by-play since you know how this goes if you've seen the original, but I have to admit I really enjoyed when they got to the closing sequence where Delirious kicked out of five top rope elbowdrops, then Lethal kicked out of the press slam and big splash, Maria tried to talk Delirious out of leaving at the instruction of his gods, and they actually popped me when they did the "alternate ending" of Delirious hitting the three running shoulderblocks and pinning Lethal with his boot on Lethal's chest, only this time around Lethal kicked out at 2 and rolled Delirious up with a handful of tights for the win.
Winner: "Machismo King" Jay Lethal
This was the most fun I've had watching a match in I don't know how long, and I loved the "Sweep The Leg" feel where Lethal got to step back in time and change history by getting sweet, long-awaited revenge for his idol. Lethal tries to complete the circle by proposing to "Elizabeth" (portrated by Maria), and Maria says no because she's already engaged to Michael Bennett, but that still sets Sensational Sista Sherri off ("What do you think you're doing?" "Well...that's Liz...") and causes her to attack him until she is fought off by Maria, who Lethal then proposes to again and does it the right way ("Elizabeth...Elizabeth...will you marry ME.") Maria accepts that proposal, but is immediately picked up and carried off by Bennett, and poor Lethal, who never seems to have any luck proposing to women he thinks are Elizabeth, takes it in stride as he puts his sunglass back on and heads to the back.
Truth Martini says that was one of the craziest things he's ever seen in his life, then says that if this is a no-pants party, there has to be women here, and without further ado, he introduces the Hoopla Hotties to participate in the Pants Off Dance Off. But no contest like this would be complete without a judge, and with that in mind, Truth Martini introduces Judge Jeff Jones, who bemoans the fact that his music didn't go off right during his entrance, but reminds us of how he had his greatest accomplishment of his career when he led Mike Awesome to the ECW World Title right here in Chicago. But he's going to top that tonight by judging the Pants Of Dance Off, where the only rules are that there are no rules. The girls will dance, they'll take their pants off, and he'll pick the winner, so he tells the sound guy to hit the music, and we're off! The girls all strip down to their undies and shake their moneymakers for the Judge, and I have to admit this is far from the most difficult thing I've ever had to recap, and the fans agree bychanting for ten more minutes. Judge Jeff Jones asks the fans what they thought of each of the girls and is prepared to declare the winner...when Davey Richards' music hits. The freaks in the audience chant at Davey to take his pants off, and Davey says the ROH he got into wasn't about girls dancing, it was about guys like Samoa Joe, CM Punk, and Bryan Danielson doing what they do in the ring. Davey says that, in honor of carrying on the tradition, there's just one thing left to do...HIT THE MUSIC. Mood-appropriate music hits as Davey scars me for life by gyrating and making very obscene gestures at the crowd, the ropes, the turnbuckles, and everything else he can put his groin near. Davey then starts to smack each of the girls on the ass and make out with out of them, and Judge Jones rewards his flagrantly inappropriate behavior by declarling him the winner of the Pants Off Dance Off. Truth Martini starts to wrap this up when Silas Young comes out and mirrors my own thoughts by asking "What in the F*** S*** is this?" He says he used to respect Davey until a few minutes ago, but now he's dancing to amuse the idiots in the crowd. Silas says Davey better get his S*** together because he's facing the Last Real Man in about twenty minutes, but Davey says it's time to kick some ass right now because THE HUNT IS ON!
Davey Richards vs Silas Young
Silas shakes his head at the referee's plaid tights as they go to a Greco-Roman knucklelock, then take turns trying to control one another with a wristlock. Davey catches Silas with a kick to the shoulder that sends the Last Real Man out to the floor to try and recoup. Silas takes about a 7 or 8 before coming back in, but he doesn't have much better luck trying to wrestle Davey the second time around, so he instead tries to goad Davey into matching power by trading shoulderblocks. Davey again foils that plan by sending Silas back out to the floor with a dropkick square on the chin. Silas looks a bit frustrated as he comes back inside, and lets himself get distracted by the fans, allowing Davey to slip right in and get an ankle pick, taking Silas to the mat where he can tie him up in an Indian Deatlhock. Silas finally has anough and turns it into a brawl, catching Davey with a couple of kicks, but Davey again outmaneuvers Silas and sends him back out to the floor a third time. Truth Martini comes out with a microphone in hand and says that, since Silas is spending so much time on the floor, it's time to make sure the match stays in the ring and turns it into a Lumberjill Match. Out comes a parade of ugly, hairy guys wearing women's clothing, wigs, and makeup, and Silas looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here right now. The camera pans past a couple of bearded ladies as Silas gets a cheap kick to Davey's gut before putting the boots to him in the corner. Silas tries to dump Davey out to the floor, but Davey catches himself on the ring apron, sidesteps a charge by Silas, and sends him crashing right into the midst of the crossdressers. Davey is waiting for him when he rolls back inside and hits a missile dropkick, then he starts firing one kick after another into Silas' chest. Davey goes to the top for a double stomp, but Silas rolls out of the way and hits a backbreaker/clothesline combination. That only gets him 2, so Silas picks Davey up in a fireman's carry, hits the Finlay roll, but Davey dodges the headstand moonsault. Silas lands on his feet, but Davey takes him back down and gets the anklelock. Silas rolls forward and sends Davey crashing into the referee, then while Davey is checking on the referee, Silas comes up from behind and low blows Davey and rolls him up. There's no referee to make a count, but one of the crossdressers gets onto the apron and starts yelling at Silas. Silas goes to hit the crossdresser, but finds himself on the receiving end of a kiss before the guy goes to the apron and starts skipping around ringside with the other crossdressers. An irate Silas charges, Davey, but gets popped up into the Alarm Clock, then Davey lays him out with a kick and comes off the top with a double stomp, but Silas kicks out at 2. Davey doesn't hesitate before going back to the anklelock, and this time there's no way out for Silas as he is forced to tap out.
Winner: Davey Richards
Davey is victorious, and he proves why he's a wrestler and not a singer when he sings some song about wanting to touch you all over to the crossdressers after the match.
Truth Martini comes back out after the match and asks the fans how many of them find the Hoopla Hotties sexy, and how many of them would like to get a little closer to the girls. He gets the reaction you'd expect he would, so he sends Scarlett out to the floor to pick out the lucky sap who will get to be a part of the next segment, and she picks a guy holding up a sign that says "BJ?? NOW???" Truth has him bring his chair onto the stage and says that today is his lucky day, because he's about to get a lap dance of a lifetime from a Hoopla Hottie. Truth has the sound guy hit the music, and then a big, fat black girl and another girl I can only describe as a female Van Hammer come out in outfits that would make Hercules himself shudder in fear. The...ladies proceed to give the poor guy a private showing he should be glad he was blindfolded for, but then he takes the blindfold off and nearly jumps off the stage in shock once he sees who was performing for him. He stares at them for a few seconds, then takes his wallet out and gives the ladies some dollar bills. Well okay then!
ROH World Tag Team Title Match: reDRagon vs Roderick Strong & Cheeseburger
The fans are solidly behind Cheeseburger, chanting his name and urging him to...well, I'll keep something about this show PG, they tell him to severely beat reDRagon. Roderick and Fish start us off, Fish takes Roderick to the mat pretty quickly, but Roderick gets out and floats over Fish for a 1 count. Now Roddy takes Fish to the mat and works a hammerlock, and Cheeseburger looks on intently from the corner as Fish reverses on Roddy and goes for a modified bow and arrow. Roderick starts to slip away, so Fish elevates a knee to the solar plexus and sends Roddy to the corner. Roddy dodges a charge and hits the ropes, ducking over and under Fish before absolutely drilling him with a leg lariat that gets 2. Cheeseburger extends his hand and Roddy makes the tag, and Cheeseburger steps into an ROH ring for the first time as he stares down a confident Kyle O'Reilly. O'Reilly easily takes Cheeseburger to the mat, Cheeseburger is up and goes for an arm wringer, but O'Reilly is in no pain whatsoever as he easily reverses to a wristlock of his own, jerking Cheeseburger to the mat. Cheeseburger does the Davey Boy Smith handstand escape, but O'Reilly takes Cheeseburger right back to the mat with another wristlock of his own. O'Reilly easily powers Cheeseburger to the mat with a Greco-Roman knucklelock, but Cheeseburger rolls out of it and stomps on O'Reilly's fingers, his first real offense of the match. O'Reilly is really mad now, drilling Cheeseburger with a big forearm, but Cheeseburger catches him with a flying headscissors. Fish tags in, but takes some abuse of his own when Strong comes in and nails Fish, allowing Cheeseburger to get a 2 count on him as well. Cheeseburger gets his boot up as Fish charges him in the corner, but Strong and O'Reilly wind up in a confrontation on the floor that ends with Fish blindsiding Strong and ramming him into one of the support columns in the building. Now Cheeseburger is in real trouble, taking a pounding from both Fish and O'Reilly with no Roderick Strong in sight to help him out. They unload with a series of kicks, but Cheeseburger low bridges both men when they charge him and send them out to the floor. Cheeseburger tries a dive on both men and they easily catch him, but Strong is up and follows Cheeseburger with a dive of his own that takes out both of the champions. Strong finally tags in, and he is a house of fire as he works O'Reilly over, hammering him with chops and hitting a side backbreaker for 2. Cheeseburger really snaps O'Reilly down with a neckbreaker and gets 2, he goes for a German suplex that O'Reilly easily breaks, and O'Reilly tags out to Fish, who comes in and drills Cheeseburger with another kick for 2. Fish gets a rolling senton for 2 on Cheeseburger, and the little guy is showing a ton of resilience as Fish drags him away from Strong and tags out to O'Reilly, who sends Cheeseburger to the ropes and hits a back elbow for 2. O'Reilly snapmares Cheeseburger and absolutely KILLS him with an indy kick to the back, then Fish tags in to dish out some more punishment. Fish grinds his forearm across Cheeseburger's face as he makes a cover, but Cheeseburger kicks out again, so Fish plants him with a back suplex and makes a cover, but Cheeseburger again kicks out at 2. O'Reilly tries to get Strong's goat by giving Cheeseburger a side backbreaker, but Strong comes in and chops O'Reilly for being a smartass. Cheeseburger is in a bad way, taking a pair of charging kneestrikes from reDRagon, and reDRagon hits a kneedrop Decapitator and Fish makes a cover, but Strong is in to break it up. He gets a kick to the skull from Fish for his trouble, and Fish goes to the top rope for a flying headbutt, but Cheeseburger rolls across the ring away from him, so O'Reilly brings Cheeseburger back to the corner, slams him, and Fish again sets for the headbutt, but Cheeseburger rolls away again. O'Reilly slams Cheeseburger again and this time he goes to the top rope across the ring from Cheeseburger to make sure there's no shenanigans, but Cheeseburger rolls away from both men as they try stereo headbutts, and he FINALLY makes the tag to Strong, who comes in like a house of fire and goes to town on both Fish and O'Reilly. Strong suplexes Cheeseburger onto Fish and covers for 2, then pulls out an old Strong & Evans spot by dumping both of the champions in the corner before press slamming Cheeseburger onto them. Strong gets Fish in the Stronghold, and O'Reilly tries to go over and save his partner, but Cheeseburger comes in with a Royal Octopus and both of the champions are in trouble. O'Reilly rams his entire body into Strong to break the hold, and then Strong and O'Reilly wind up trading chops and kicks. Cheeseburger is up and he tries to chop Fish, but Fish no sells and lays him out before the champs hit Strong with a double goozle for 2. Strong comes back with a gutbuster on Fish and Cheeseburger comes right in and hits Fish with a Code Red, and O'Reilly JUST breaks the cover at 2. O'Reilly knocks the crap out of Strong with a series of strikes, then the champs catch Cheeseburger coming off the top rope, pop him up into a double kneestrike to the back of the head, then hit Chasing The Dragon for the win.
Winners: reDRagon
That match was f'ing awesome! I don't know that Cheeseburger could have a match like this on his own, but he definitely held up his end of the bargain and they told a really good story with this one.
Truth Martini comes out for the latest edition of Hoopla Uncut, and tonight, he has a very special guest. A man who has been around for a very long time, and some people love him, some don't, but he isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Truth Martini's special guest: SATAN! Satan comes out, and the fans chant 666 as Truth welcomes him to Hoopla Uncut. Satan says it's great to be here among his people, those who have sold their souls to him. Truth asks who around here sold their soul to him, and Satan asks how else QT Marshall would have a job here. Satan says he created temptation, he's the reason the Hoopla Hotties look the way they do, but the Night Of Hoopla is a little bit much even for him. This show is full of debauchery, lap dances, people with no pants on, and it's all too much even for him. Truth Martini says Satan seems a bit too wound up and suggests that he take his pants off and loosen up a little bit. Satan takes his jacket off as the fans chant NO at him, but Satan stops and says there's no way he's taking his pants off and give the people the pleasure of seeing him with his pants off. He tells Truth Martini, the Hoopla Hotties, and the fans that they're all going straight to hell. Truth asks him one more time if he's taking his pants off and Satan says "Hell no!", so Scarlett low blows Satan, Selezia gives him a Death Valley Driver, and the Hotties yank his pants off to reveal shiny, silver underwear. Truth tells Satan that he would have expected him to be a little bigger than that as Satan retreats to the back to end this surreal segment.
ACH, Tadarius Thomas & Athena vs BJ Whitmer, Michael Eing & MsChif
Tadarius and MsChif start us off, and Thomas goes behind MsChif and gets a hammerlock, but Elgin comes right in and shoves Thomas across the ring. MsChif tags Elgin in, and he quickly goes to the mat and chain wrestles with Thomas. Elgin overpowers Thomas, but Thomas uses his speed to avoid much damage at Elgin's hand and catches him with a Low Ki-style armbar over the top rope. Elgin furiously tries to catch Thomas with one heavy shot after another, but Thomas easily evades the blows and cartwheels past Elgin for good measure. Elgin does a cartwheel of his own and then does the Worm, leading the fans to inform Thomas that he's been served. Thomas stops to huddle with his teammates, then tags ACH in to do some high-end dancing of his own. Elgin applauds ACH's efforts and shakes his hand, then shakes Thomas' hand, then picks Athena up and slams her hard to the mat before doing some more dancing to mock Adrenaline Rush. MsChif comes in and Athena tries to draw her into another dancing contest, but her back is still smarting from that slam, so she demands to face BJ Whitmer. BJ tags in and Athena slaps him a couple of times and gets a wristlock, BJ reverses to one of his own, Athena cartwheels out of it, sends BJ to the ropes, and BJ runs her over with a shoulderblock. Athena catches BJ with an armdrag, Athena gets one of her own, and they dropkick each other to do the indy stalemate. ACH and MsChif tag in and ACH refuses to fight MsChif, but MsChif presses the issue by screaming at ACH and...making him pass out. Now the girls are finally going at it, and MsChif gets a side suplex on Athena as BJ and Elgin knock ACH and Thomas off the apron and trap Athena in the ring so MsChif can dish out some uninterrupted punishment. MsChif gets Athena in a modifed abdominal stretch, then tags in BJ, who delivers a side backbreaker for 2. Elgin tags in and goes to powerbomb Athena, but MsChif yells at him for some reason and allows Athena to escape and tag in Thomas, who goes at it with BJ Whitmer and gives him a rolling neckbreaker for 2. BJ finds himself on the receiving end of some double teaming from Adrenaline Rush, and Thomas tries for several pinfall attempts on a worn down BJ, but can't quite manage to get the three count, so Athena tags in and hammers BJ with kicks to the chest. Athena with a cartwheel forearm in the corner, then ACH comes in and covers for 2. ACH with a series of stomps and a diving clothesline in the corner before coming off the top rope with a flying bodypress that gets him 2 on the Buzzsaw. ACH makes the mistake of getting cute and slapping BJ, and BJ responds by powerslamming ACH into next week. BJ makes the tag to MsChif, and the girls are in again as MsChif unloads on Athena and hits a Sky High for 2. Elgin comes in with a slingshot elbow to ACH before popping Thomas up for a suplex, Thomas blocks with a kneestrike to the head, but then Elgin picks up both Thomas and ACH for the fallaway slam/Samoan drop combo. All hell is breaking loose as everyone is going at it in the ring, BJ powerslams Thomas and hits a suplex combo for 2, Thomas sunset flips BJ for 2, then hits BJ with a knockout kick to set up a slingshot Ace Crusher from ACH for 2. Athena misses a top rope splash, boots BJ in the face, and goes for a tornado DDT, but BJ reverses to an exploder suplex into the corner that has Athena land on her head. BJ goes for a powerbomb, but Athena reverses to an inverted Frankensteiner, so MsChif comes in and kills Athena with an inverted Desecrator for 2. Elgin saves MsChif by shoving her out of the way of a missile dropkick from Athena, then BJ comes in and clocks Athena with a right hand to the face and tries to superplex her. ACH tries to powerbomb BJ, BJ reverses to a flying headscissors, and Athena nails BJ with the O Face before rolling MsChif up for 2. They hit each otehr with simultaneous crossbody blocks, Elgin comes in and turns Thomass inside out with a clothesline, ACH hits Last Rites on Elgin, MsChif goes for the Desecrator, but ACH finally finds his backbone and starts beating the crap out of MsChif. Elgin saves MsChif again and knocks him out cold with a spinning backfist, then goes for the powerbomb, but MsChif stops Elgin to make out with him. Thomas comes up behind Elgin and grabs him, but Elgin turns around and spews the green mist in Thomas' face, as it turns out that MsChif was slipping him the mist instead of making out with him. Well that's clever! Elgin hits Thomas with the sitout powerbomb, and that's all she wrote.
Winners: Michael Elgin, BJ Whitmer & MsChif
Good main event to cap off a very entertaining evening. Truth Martini comes out with the Hoopla Hotties to close the show by reminding us that hoopla isn't just a word, it's a way of life.
This was easily the most unique ROH show I've ever seen. This is definitely not your ROH show because, even though the matches we did get were really good, it was not your typical, workrate-oriented ROH show. This was all about the entertainment, and if this was the kind of show ROH wanted to put forth, Truth Martini was the perfect guy to build it around. This whole show had Truth's fingerprints all over it, and I have to admit that I was highly entertained by pretty much the entire show. This was something completely different, and I really, really enjoyed it. Like I said, not your typical ROH workfest, but I highly recommend this one just because it was so different. You can find information on ordering this DVD or anything else ROH-related at www.rohwrestling.com.
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