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12/31 RADPRO RASSLING' 'RUDOLPH'S RED NOSE RUMBLE' LIVE REPORT

RADPRO Rasslin’ “Rudolph’s Red Nose Rumble”

12/31/23 

It’s 1994! The piledriver is still banned! All wrestlers are playing the parts of other wrestlers today. This is the schtick of this promotion and it’s kind of amazing.
 

 Match 1: Lux Virgo [played by DJ Powers] (w/ Denise) vs Comice [played by Landon Hale]

Comice immediately calls out Virgo’s use of a closed fist. And also how he is very ugly. Denise IS holding a broken mirror. Lux also believes he is the luckiest man alive. Which makes the slip into the buckles extra funny. The action is pretty good back and forth. Comice forces Virgo to confront his ugliness in the camera. Denise holds up the mirror and Comice sees his broken visage and cant handle the sight. Virgo hits a closed fist! He goes for the dive finish but his luck runs out (again) and he overshoots! Comice hits a SPO Driver for the win!

Winner: Comice

Match 2: Blue Suede [played by Fresh Air] vs Encryptid Data [played by Milo Mirra & Bryce Donovan]

Blue Suede is a blues brothers tag team and I love it so much. ED is from the cyber verse. This is straight out of Hackers. Blue Suede straight up gets their gimmick stolen via USB. And then gets karate punched in the face. We got a hacker pogo stick out here but Blue Suede steals it. We’re keep getting Soul Man sing at us. Blue Suede getting connected via UsB and hacked. They get hacked into attacking each other. Huge double chokeslam! Blue Suede hits a Hart Attack! Kick out! They rip off WD’s hacker gloves! ED with a pogo attack to the floor and a modified doomsday device for the win. This is a f***ing blast.

Winners: Encryptid Data

They bring out Wally Dangus (basically a wrestling Bill Gates) and he is excited to reveal ANGELO INTELLECT ‘95! So we play “start me up” and this is THAT Microsoft reveal all over again. He introduces his senior developers Felix Mutton & Douglas Bubbletroussr. Angelo Intellect is a robot. A very human looking robot. Representing the Wally Information Network (WIN). Y’all. he looks like a wrestler. This years version gave him the ability to laugh. And MAYBE murder? Welcome to AI 95!!! I am so old that I got this bit immediately AND found it hilarious. 

Match 3: Angelo Intellect 95 [played by Channing Thomas] (w/ Wally Dangus [played by Sidney Bakabella] vs Captain Heelhook [played by Matt Makowski]

Captain Heelhook is a PIRATE! Amazing. Will AI shake his hook? He gets hooked in the mouth. I am laughing so much. This is amazing. Wally Dangus distracts the pirate with a large gold cloak. The hook was a fake all along???? Yar! You’ve beeeen Bamboozled! He tries several rollups. And hits a cannonball! Kick out. “Win!” Heelhook pulls out THE BLACK SPOT. AI is cursed and must walk the plank. Dangus convinces AI that is has more to live for. The captain traps AI in a heel hook! Wally tries to break it up. AI pokes Captain in the good eye! A single crab taps out the Captain but AI won’t let it go! Is he glitching? He almost attacks Wally. He glitches again and pulls a fan from the crowd and hits a piledriver! The ref empty from the back as Dangus assures them it’s a normal glitch and he gets AI out of there. This show is amazing.

Winner: Angelo Intellect 95

 Match 4: Aislis [played by Shannon Lavangie] (w/ Flitz) vs Banshera [played by Kaitlyn Marie]

Apart from the costume vibes, this is a pretty traditional hard hitting match. Aislis has a sort of…Goblin(?) Minion Chained to the post that distracts Banshera repeatedly but our Wednesday on a Sunday is getting pummeled and tossed around like the rag doll she looks like. Worlds strongest slam senton combo for two. Sitout senton for two. She wraps up a reverse choke. Banshera gets caught up in the ropes and Aislis slams her back. Sparkle Splash for the win out of the blue!

Winner: Aislis

Match 5: Red Skeleton Jeremy Gossard [played by Alec Price] vs Sleepy Trey [played by Alan Angels] 

So Jeremy came out to Jeremy by Pearl Jam. He is that angry Gen X’er who is very outspoken about the state of our country. Sleep Trey just wants to take a nap and needs five more minutes….and entered to Enter Sandman lolllll. Trey is like reverse Orange Cassidy, very explosive and then goes to sleep. Gossard doesn’t know what to make of this as Trey is always down and out anytime he needs him to be in position. Jeremy takes the ref glasses off to blatantly eye poke Trey. Trey sent to the top but he falls asleep. Jeremy rocks him to sleep and tries get the very quiet pin. A small child yells and walks Trey up at two! He fires up! It’s sleepy time! Sliced bread for two! Running Alabama slam neckbreaker from Gossard for two! This is goofy stuff but some great action. Trey tears off the top of his onesie! GTS! Gossard kicks out!!! This is awesome. Trey slaps on a sleeper hold and it’s a race to see who falls asleep first….Trey falls asleep and Jeremy lands on top to get the three. Magic.

Winner: Jeremy Gossard 

 Match 6: Rudolph’s Red Nose Rumble (20-person royal rumble)

Oh god, I’m never gonna be able to follow this. There’s a guy with a ripped tank top holding another ripped tank top. Lol. Little Mean Kathleen is a little old lady named Ginger Snap. She takes so long getting to the ring that the next contestant is out here already. Lux Virgo is back. Stefon King [Armani Kayos] is here. Amazing. The Grinch has arrived played by Brook Havoc. Pogo guy is back! Comice is back! He’s attacking everyone with paint palates. Aislis is back! She throws eyeballs at everyone. Eyeless…right! Angelo Intellect 95 AND Wally Dangus are both here! Dangus is thrown right and and he tells AI to punish! Apparently there’s a pile of presents and people are unwrapping them for weapons. Claire is here, well it’s a very black and pink Paris Van Dale. Sleepy Trey! He needs more sleep in that comfy ring. The Goblin is in the rumble! They have a sword. They are out but AI has the sword. Paradox (Bryce donivans’ hacker) is out here and gives some Mountain Dew to Pogo and they work through the rush to eliminate AI. Dante Drago as Tang Grey is out here. He gives them gin…it doesn’t have dew so it’s gross. CPA is here but I missed the name (Carl Patrick Alabaster….lol). Ginger Snap is back! She’s in the ring now! She has her smokes and tries to skewers people with her knitting needles. She has a heart attack and dies. Paradox books her up to his keyboard and hacks her back to life. Cromagnum TA (Love Doug) is here! Esteban Palomino (JGeorge) is here! Are they still in their one year Ironman match? Yes! Palomino gets a fall! And another! 990000 to 6 is the current score (in TA’s favor). He taps out TA! He gets 7! Our final contestants? Ginger bread man and a lumberjack sherrif are out here! Why does the sherrif have a gun??? Also the sherrif is Puf. I THINK gingerbread is Max Smashmaster? Pogo does the Kofi rumble spot with the pogo stick. Everyone getting tossed! It’s down to Grinch and Ginger Snap. She blasts the Grinch with her giant pocket book and wins the rumble! Llllollllll.

Winner: Ginger Snap

 Main Event: Rod Slab [played by Bobby Orlando] vs Anjou [played by Ricky Smokes] (w/ Aislis and her Goblin who I know now as Flitz) (for the RADPRO Rasslin Championship) 

Like the Aislis/Banshera match, this is a more traditional wrestling match with some goofy shouting but mostly this is just a good match. Oh no not a good wrestling match!!! Anjou trying very hard to put the champ away. Heavy missile dropkick for two! The lockerroom is slowly emptying and surrounding the ring to watch and slap the ring. As the drama intensifies, more wrestlers spill from the back. Trading punches and knees! Rob hits a one armed slab slam for the win. Amazing.

Winner: Rob Slab

While Rob and friends are celebrating, Stefon King attacks everyone from the top rope. He leaves the champ laying. He leaves his friends laying. He even drops Granny Ginger! King holds the RADPRO title high as we end the show. Look, this was ridiculous. If you dislike comedy in your wrestling, avoid. If you love that? If you miss Chikara level goofiness? If you wanna see Meta Theater, WATCH THIS. 

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