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THE TITLE TOURNAMENT COMMENCES: 3/9 WRESTLING OPEN LIVE REPORT FROM WORCESTER, MA

Wrestling Open Week 62

3/9/23 Worcester, MA

What the what? 

There’s a phone number on the front door and why do I need to text the word “Open” it? Oh. Oh dear. Hahahahahahahaha. They just gave me a plastic turd. For LATER. Also there’s Stetson Ranch cow patty cookies on sale tonight. These look gross but we’re amazingly good.

Tonight we kick off the tournament to crown the inaugural Wrestling Open champion (sponsored by my band, DNA’s Evolution - www.dnasevolution.com)! 

Spotlight Match: Paris Van Dale vs Shannon LaVangie

Shannon out hot with a double knees! She walks the buckles and arm drags Paris. Rebound kick staggers PVD but she hits a short ddt for two. She stomps on Shannon’s head. He tries a gory bomb in the corner but the X factor connnects. Shannon with a Paige Turner for two. Paris with a neckbreaker. Shannon rolls through another gory bomb! She pops up with a cutter for the win!

Winner: Shannon LaVangie

And we’re live in IWTW. Rich Palladino on the stick. Paul Crockett and Denver Colorado at the table. Let’s do this!

Match 1: Jariel Rivera vs TJ Crawford

TJ is confident with the crowd behind him and just laying in some hard kicks to the hips and leg. Rivera hasn’t been around in a while and clearly hasn’t seen the meteoric rise of TJ Crawford’s return on IWTV. Rivera eats a lot of damage but Jariel hits a cool uranage backbreaker. TJ fighting back through a series of chops but dropped with a cutter for two. TJ with a Superman punch! Hard lariat! Slingshot stunner! Big vertical suplex and a running shin to the back of the head puts Jariel to sleep. What a beating!

Winner: TJ Crawford

Match 2: Boulder vs Nolo Kitano

Bronson’s iron savages partner Boulder returns to Worcester! Do we like him better when he was a bear? TBD. Nolo Kitano welcome back! Nolo is super fast and staying ahead of the big man. Boulder just catches him out of the air and presses him over his head and slams him down. Overhand clubs to Nolo draped on the corner! A Dominator Gutbuster! Boulder says Nolo doesn’t get to stay down. He’s gone full-on Vader. Boulder rocks him again and again but Nolo with  desperate dodge and a pile of kicks. Boulder boots him on the run…Boulder uses a choke to pops Nolo up for a wicked powerbomb that folds  him in half for the win. Wait no, THIS was a beating!

Winner: Boulder

Boulder is…upset that he’s not in the Championship Tournament. I mean, you gotta show up my dude. He’s mad that Ichiban, a man he’s beaten, is in the tournament and promises to send Number One a message later tonight. 

Match 3: Ray Jaz vs Eric Chacha

Ray is hot about being excluded from the title tournament, throws his opponent to the mat in the lockup and taps out Cha Cha in 21 seconds with the Jazmission. Jeeeeeezus. Someone call the Worcester PD because we’ve got a body count tonight! This might have been one of the fastest victories in Open history? 

Winner: Ray Jaz

Jaz is mad. He’s 39-0 at Open and not in the hunt? He promises that he’s coming for whoever wins this whole thing.

Match 4: Steven Stetson (w/ Alec Price) vs Rip Byson

Boy howdy, do we hate Steven Stetson. Rip and Stetson just throwing big big hands back and forth. Big powerslam. Rip sends Stetson to the floor and Price gives Rip plenty of space to jump off the apron at this s*** cowboy. Stetson hits a desperate hotshot and starts stomping Rip out. Seated senton. Stetson…starts jawing at Price and that gives Rip space to start a comeback. Boot to the skull. He lays into Rip one more time…for the ranch?!? Oh noooo. Rip with a uranage out the corner. Huge body attacks! Giant release powerbomb! Kick out! Stetson fights out of a torture rack and hits a….Jersey Stampede for the win!

Winner: Steven Stetson 

Match 5: The Church of Greatness (Anastasia Morningstar and The Even Stevens w/ Brother Greatness) vs 50 Cal, Johnny Rivera & CPA

Dezmond Cole is on commentary, he must have some thoughts still about his indoctrination. Brother Greatness calls an audible and now he’s in the match and Ana is at ringside. Boooooooo! Azure is scared of the wild hound’s barking. Rivera just running over Somerset. Big tosses and a spine buster. Blind tag and the church takes the advantage. Tax man can’t help this. 50 Cal taking a big sermon in the corner. 50 Cal tries to escape but sends Greatness into the waiting arms of the demoness. Azure thinks he’s gonna do CPA’s finish in front of him? No. Tag to the tax man! The church can’t evade this audit. Giant cluster of big hits in the center. Brother hits the flying bulldog on 50! CPA hits 1099! Rivera wants a moonsault! He misses and a welcome Steven Flow get the church the win!

Winner: Church of Greatness

Brother Greatness is still livid that Dezmond Cole embarrassed him last week. Brother invites Cole to find anyone who will step up to their altar with him. I’m pretty sure Boofa has friends.

Match 6: Armani Kayos vs Ichiban 

Kayos tries to take a selfie but Ichiban steals it and takes his own! Kayos is flustered and eats a high crossbody for two….THAT WAS ONE! Kayos with a rear view. He tries a tarantula? Maybe? Ichiban from behind but Armani sends him to the floor. Ichiban rolls in and Kayos is all over him. Armani really trying but Ichiban IS in the title tournament. Ichiban flies out of a burning hammer…big punches! Lariat! Handspring back elbow and a shotgun off the top! Armani catches the flatliner into a finlay roll! Moonsault is way off mark and Ichiban runs in with the flatliner for the win!

Winner: Ichiban

As promised, Boulder is back out here to send a message to Ichiban. He tells Ichiban to run. Ichiban doesn’t know how to say run. Boulder in and Ichiban is all over him. Big boot! Chokeslam powerslam and Ichiban is folded up and dead as Boulder storms out of the room. Statement made.

And now? It’s tournament time! 

Match 7: Pedro Dones vs Rex Lawless (1st Round Wrestling Open Championship Tournament Match)

Pedro knows Rex might be nursing a bum knee so does he HAVE TO call this obvious shot? Pedro is distracted by the crowd and turns right into a big boot! Rex unloading and sending Pedro right in the buckles. Big vertical toss, it really does seem like that knee is fine. Rex scouts the Vader bomb dodge and boots Pedro in the face for two! Pedro just getting clubbed to death. He prolly doesn’t love this but it’s a tournament match, he wouldn’t walk away from this one, right? Rex doesn’t let him stay out there and knows the shot caller needs more punishment. Rex gets over confident and chops the post. Is that enough to take the advantage? No! Rex is unloading again but crashes right into those horrible stairs. Pedro IS more than happy to let Rex get counted out but Lawless rolls in. Pedro going right for the knee. Rex is feeling THAT. Hard shots, leg drop, that limb is in trouble. Pedro with a standing heel hook but Rex’s good leg shoved him off. Pedro tossed out the corner but Rex is crawling. Pedro back up, take out the knee, splashes to the hamstrings! Pedro off the second into a boot! Rex hits a painful belly to belly but it’s not enough! We are at 10 minutes into 30 as Pedro puts on a deep figure four! Rex in pain and takes almost a full minute to get to the ropes. Quick Michanoku driver! Pedro kicks out. tree of woe and Rex is just laying the boots in! He wants a powerbomb Pedro pulls the leg and nearly steals the pin. Sitout chokebomb from Rex! Not enough! Pedro with a dragon screw off the apron! Running spear to the knee and he pulls those legs back to leverage the pin! Pedro advances!

Winner: Pedro Dones

Match 8: Percy Ryan vs Fancy Ryan Clancy

Percy has a weird piece of…jawline jewelry? It’s definitely IN GIMMICK. Wow. Percy need to protect that perfect jaw and he fails to do so. Fancy decks him and Percy is maaaaaad. No one hits the jaw! Percy blocks the side Russian and throws hands. Step up boot in the corner and a butterfly suplex for two. Fancy is covering up as Percy drops bombs. Vicious kick to the face as they run the ropes crisscross. It’s a wicked shot but he runs right back into the side Russian and the jawline is a flatline.

Winner: Fancy Ryan Clancy

TJ Crawford is out here and the Fancy Snipes need to address the fact that they face each other in the first round of the title tournament. Clancy says he’s loved being a team but they have to fight next week. He tells TJ that next week, he needs to bring everything he’s got. DON’T keep the rage in check. Friendship rules the moment but they are gonna TEAR IT UP next week! 

Main Event: Big Bacon Brad Hollister vs Dan Barry

Dan Barry is just handling Brad. It’s truly wonderful to watch. Brad is just having a rough night. He hates Dan. He hates the fans. He starts throwing big shots but Barry gives ‘em right back. Brawling through the crowd at ringside! They almost get counted out. Lol. Boo Yay Boo Yay Boo Yay! Dan with a slingshot and Bacon Germans him out of the air! Brad just pounding out Barry as the crowd jeers the hell out of him. Dan fighting back, Bacon with a back elbow and senton. Ow. Kick out. Bacon pummeling Dan on the corner, don’t be there! Bacon wants the jackhammer but Dan knows the score! Sunset flip bomb off the corner! Bradley Baconbits misses the hip attack! Dannonball!!!!! Moonsault to the outside! Slingshot senton! Brad tries to snatch Dan out of the air again but Barry is ready. Jackknife pin! Kick out! Bacon grabs a rear naked choke….Barry flips to a pin! Kick out! Hard back and forth punching! This brawl is still on! Double headbutt! Double down! Dan comes running…pop up bomb! Dan kicks out! This is awesome. Brad pulls down the straps! Dan throwing upkicks! Bacon kicks him to the apron. This is looking bad….Dan with a headbutt and blasts Bacon into the post! Burning hammer off the corner! 2.999999!!! Brad tries to steal it with the ropes…no! Jackhammer?!? Dan fights it off again but Brad throws him off into the top rope! Barry is stunned and Bacon hits the outside in jackhammer for the win! Noooooo! Fantastic main event! Goddaaaaaaamn!

Winner: Brad Hollister

It’s time for the TURD TOSS?!? It’s time for people in the room to throw their (plastic) turds into an authentic Stetson hat. The closest throw gets free Open tickets! I guess we know what Denver Colorado thinks of the ranch. Also, that phone number was to sign up for the official Wrestling Open tip line!

 

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