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BEYOND WRESTLING'S FUNNIEST BEYOND WRESTLING MATCHES MARATHON REPORT

Beyond Wrestling Theme Stream “Funniest Beyond Wrestling Matches Marathon”

1/24/21

Beyond Wrestling YouTube Channel, soon to be on IWTV

After the good times we had last month for Beyond Wrestling’s “Blood Drive” stream (which can now be found on IWTV.live), Denver Colorado has put together another Greatest Hits mixtape of Beyond comedy matches from years past. Like last month, this is going to be a singular flavor of wrestle content so if wrestle goofs aren’t your thing, this show prolly AIN’T IT for you. But uh.....if you wanna see a robot kill some swamp creatures....well, have I got some content for you! 14 matches of chucklicious content!
 

Match 1: Jaka, Johnny C**kstrong, Oleg the Usurper vs Dan Barry, Buxx Belmar & Swamp Monster

From “Point of No Return” in 2013

This already starts off confusion as it was supposed to be Team Tremendous vs Jaka & Usurper....but Bill Carr isn’t so Strong got added to make it a 4-way. Everyone bands against Dan Barry, forcing him to find two random partners and now it’s a 6-man tag. Usurper is grossed out by Buxx. Barry can’t stand up to the sheer power of Johnny’s pelvis. Jaka in and Buxx spits up all over his face. ohnoooooo. Jaka can barely react while Swamp Monster chops him up. Dan Barry gets the crowd to sings along to “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”....while Jaka is still reacting to that spit up. Johnny in to log roll along Dan Barry. Oleg getting up to MORE SPEED before hitting a stinger splash. Barry escapes the Off With His Head (the move that had recently killed Dragon Dragon in a different promotion). Buxx back in to spit in Jaka’s mouth. ACK. Big tower of doom. Strong can’t stop humping the canvas in his sell. Triple finish and triple pin from Jaka/Oleg/Strong. Character driven chaos. This was fun. 

Winner: Jaka, Oleg & C**kstrong

Match 2: Eric Corvis vs Sugar Dunkerton (Human Ring Match)

This is a never before seen match that occurred before their “Feeding Frenzy” show in 2014. 

No ring. Someone broke it. Fans surrounding them. Test of strength. Full Nelsons. Headlocks. Suge off the “rope” and whiffs an arm drag. “Corner” chops. Crowd is super hot for everything here. Apparently this happened because the ring got broken JUST before doors at this show and Beyond was scrambling to find a new ring but still entertain folks. Suge and Corvis delivered some entertainment. A real “you had to be there” piece of magic we get a hard cam single shot look at. Suge gets the win off a lariat, bouncing off some fans. This was pretty great as a MOMENT that saved an entire show for Beyond at the time.

Match 3: Space Monkey vs Johnny C**kstrong

From “Gigantic” in 2016

OH GOODNESS I REMEMBER THIS. Strong steals Monkey’s banana, puts the banana in his tights and baits Monkey to eat it out of there. Monkey ain’t having that and steals it back and tosses Strong around while eating it.  Strong throws bananas into Monkey’s face. Strong with the log roll into Monkey’s face. Suge D and Ethan Page can’t stop talking about Johnny’s lower bits. They suggestively fight over a banana and Strong goes deep throat on a piece of fruit. Strong slips on a banana. Space Monkey misses the tail shot. Strong with the GTC (Go To C...) and the follow up piledriver into the trunks. This was as good as I remember. I’m sure Paul Crockett would still be as horrified as I remember he was in the moment. 

Match 4: Massage NV (Dorian Graves & VSK) vs The Gentlemen’s Club (Chuck Taylor & Orange Cassidy w/ Swamp Cassidy)

From “Under Construction” in 2017

Taylor doesn’t want a massage. VSK definitely wants to give him a massage. Cassidy is in FULL SLOW SLACKER MODE against Graves. Cassidy does want a massage though. Swampy tries to make the save but Orange doesn’t want help. VSK tagged in to work over Swampy’s muscles too. Chuck Taylor trying to get the match thrown out and just clears the ring. Cassidy comes in, does one thing and tags out, saying he is out of moves. Graves in and goes wild on Orange. Big Yakuza kick. Senton and tilt-a-whirl combo splash for two. Taylor with a sole and falcon arrow on Graves for two. Orange in with the juice but he mists Swampy....and Chuck. Cassidy stuck with NV, splashed with oil, baseball slide into the corner, popup lungblower for the pin. I love both these teams. Great stuff.

Winners: Massage NV

Match 5: Johnny C**kstrong & Massage NV vs Colt Cabana, Kikutaro & Supercop Dick Justice

From “7 Years of Bad Luck” in 2017

An alternate name for this stream could be “How many times can Adam write Johnny’s name before Mike Johnson has to edit it down?” I’m so sorry, Mike. [Note from Mike: I'm editing at 3:08 AM Adam, thanks for that.] Blame good ol’ Denver Colorado for this.

No one wants to start this match against anyone. Massage NV give each other a Massage. Cabana tries a quick roll up. Kikutaro wants a shoulder block but he’s bad at that. He gets a good shoulder rub though. Kiku and Strong compare levels of hardness. Cabana and VSK go fast for about 3 seconds before Colt gets a massage and tags out. Dick Justice in....but then gets massaged and eats a Strong “log” roll. Graves working over Justice’s shoulders Iron Sheik style. Cabana & Justice with dusty punches against NV. Strong in to back them up but Kiku in with a koncho. Ow. “I think an** penetration is where we cross the line” says Denver Colorado on commentary. O_O... Kikutaro and Cabana thanks the crowd and asks them to buy some merch before not hitting their finisher. GET THE OIL! Cabana and Kiku eat the baseball slide. Strong wants to join in but he gets stuck on Graves’ butt. Yep. Dick Justice pulls out an invisible gun and we have a standoff. Strong gets shot in the nethers. Kiku with an atomic drop and Justice hits a boss man slam for the pin. This was so dumb and I’m laughing so much. 

Winners: Colt Cabana, Kikutaro & Dick Justice

Match 6: Jarek 1:20 vs Supercop Dick Justice

From “Looking California” in 2017
 
Jarek does a magic trick. He’s a magician. Justice freaks out because Jarek is clearly a WITCH. Justice takes it to the magic man early. It’s probably the most wrestling match we’ve seen so far until Justice pulls out the invisible gun. Jarek pulls a coin out from Justice’s ear and he loses it. Jarek has the gun! Justice running everywhere and tires himself out. Jarek grabs some donut holes and feeds the Supercop. Justic eats the donut and chokes on the card that was picked from earlier. HE IS A WITCH. Jarek hits a magic chokeslam for a near fall. Jarek uses a magic pulley to raise Justice up but runs into a boss man slam for the pin. THIS WAS MOSTLY WRESTLING!!!....with some wonderfully goofy bookends. 

Winner: Dick Justice

Match 7: Massage NV & Johnny C**kstrong vs Supercop Dick Justice, Orange Cassidy and Shockwave the Robot

From “Abbondanza” in 2018

The invisible gun has been banned from this match! Justice and VSK with some technical chops to start. Justice stomps out VSK’s hands and he needs to put them next to Strong’s magic member to heal up. Justice hurts Graves and Strong Heals him. Justice punches Strong and NV help him heal his face. Yes. Like that. Cassidy with a lethargic leap for a near fall on Strong. Tilt-a-whirl splash on Cassidy for a near fall. Graves breaks out the massages. Strong log rolls Justice and Cassidy. Shockwave in to no-sell all the offense. Strong powers them up with his member and Shockwave is getting overworked. 7-way test of strength as Ref Quinn gets involved. It’s a wave! Everyone is down except for Shockwave, since he electrocuted them all. NV tries to give Shockwave a massage. Strong hypnotizes Shockwave down into the corner. GET THE OIL! VSK knocks himself out in the baseball slide into the robot’s crotch. Cassidy with the orange mists and hits Shockwave. Shockwave shortcircuits! Cassidy tries to reprogram Shockwave but he turns on them both and chokes his partners out. Shockwave going wild. Strong taken to the corner and Shockwave kicks him in the crotch over and over as the ref calls for the bell. Shockwave goes wild and drags a fan into the streets of Worcester by his throat. This was wild then and so weird now. 

Winner: No Contest. 

Match 8: Dick Justice vs Johnny C**kstrong (softcore lifematch)

From “Denim Recruits” in 2017

Fists flying at the bell. Justice kicks the rope into Strong’s impervious nethers. Strong with suction cup arrow doing a softcore skewer spot. Strrong with a triple stack cardboard board but Justice trips him up and he goes through his own f***ery. Justice with a bag of hard candy.  Strong wants the piledriver but Justice powers out. Justice dropped onto the candy and Strong with a log roll. Strong gets a mattress and a poster of Nailz......to make a bed of nails. Get it?    SCOOP SLAM ON THE BED OF NAILZ HE’S DEAD DICK JUSTICE WITH A SPLASH HE BROKE HIM IN HALF!!!! ONE! TWO! THREE! This was a perfect troll for the fans of GCW who were there for the doubleheader. Loved this. 

Winner: Dick Justice

Match 9: Shockwave the Robot vs Orange Cassidy

From “Hope” in 2018

Evil Shockwave (still short circuited) is trying to choke the life out of Orange Cassidy. Swamp Monster here to distract the ref and two more Swamp Monsters show up to help. Cassidy trying to re-short circuit Shockwave but Shockwave kills all the Swamp Monsters. Ref Dumeng counts Shockwave out as he chokes Cassidy. Shockwave chases Ref. Dumeng out of the building as Cassidy is announced the winner, sitting in a pile of broken Swamp Monsters. 

Winner: Orange Cassidy (by DQ)

Match 10: Bill Carr vs Shockwave the Robot

From “Welcome Home: Night 2” in 2018

Carr doesn’t have an opponent. He issues an open challenge after teasing a match with Announcer Rich Palladino. Shockwave no-sells everything, to Carr’s horror. Shockwave gets stuck in a loop of punching at the turnbuckle. Carr with a water spray bottle and threatens a short circuit. Carr unloads on the robot as he is pursued. Shockwave is rusting up and can’t move. Carr shoots him in the head, execution-style.  Shockwave drops to the mat, stuck in a fetal position. Carr can’t get him into a pinning position....or even hold him in place to hit an elbow drop. Carr with a fork and tries to reprogram his circuit board....and electrocutes himself. Carr is down and out. Shockwave, still in a fetal position, rolls to his side and slightly onto Carr....and that’s the pin. lolllllllllllllll. This was so dumb and weird and good. 

Winner: Shockwave

Match 11: Chuck Taylor vs Chuck Taylor™ 

From “Solid Gold” in 2018

A weird story where Stokely Hathaway bought the rights to Chuck Taylor’s name and now they are fighting over the rights for the name. The fight. Goes right outside as Taylor(tm) is throwing punches to a seated Taylor. Taylor(tm) gets his eyes poked and dragged to the back but he throws Taylor down the stairs and tries to get the count out win. Taylor is back in, wearing on of Taylor(tm)’s cardigans and sets of tights. Taylor(tm) tries to escape under the ring but eats chops. Taylor(tm) wipes out the ref and eats a superkick. Taylor(tm) with a low blow and everyone’s dead. Swamp Monster is here! He can’t tell them apart. Taylor gets blasted with a chair. Taylor(tm) calls out another Swamp Monster named Tariq. Taylor gets blasted with a chair again for two. Taylor pops up with a sole food and piledriver for the pin! I loved this match. 

Winner: Chuck Taylor (the real one)

Match 12: Colt Cabana vs Stokely Hathaway

From “Tournament for Tomorrow: Night 2” in 2018

His original opponent, Jonathan Gresham couldn’t make it to the show. Cabana issues an open challenge! Stokely Hathaway (w/ Thomas Sharpe) answers it...but says he has a calcium deficiency and can’t work it. Sharpe steps up and Hathaway ambushes with the microphone. That does nothing to Cabana, who dumps Sharpe to the outside. The ref eject Sharpe from ringside and Stokely has to do this alone. Cabana orders a milk from the bar for Stokely. The ref brings Hathaway some half and half and he drinks from the jug. Cabana dabs his face with a towel. This is wonderful. Hathaway lands like 30 punches to the gut and Cabana just eats them and laughs. Stokely tries shoulder blocks. No luck. His dropkicks suck too. Hathaway is so frustrated that nothing is doing anything. Cabana is just Lesnar’ing him to death but being apologetic for it. Hathaway is airplane spun to death and Cabana won’t pin him for longer than a one count. Stoke up at 2.5 and angry. It doesn’t last. Stokely want a crossbody. He does it to the mat. Sharpe back in with a step ladder and smashes Cabana in the back of the neck. CHRIST! Stokely rolls up up for the pin! This was incredible but GOD that ladder shot looked rough.

Winner: Stokely Hathaway

Match 13: Puf vs Coach Mammone

From “Uncharted Territory: Season 1, Episode 4”

I love Puf. I hate the Coach....well ok, that’s unfair. I hate the Coach’s WHISTLE. Coach has Puf work on his cardio and hit the ropes. Puf wearing down after a couple down ropes and Coach tries for the pin. Twooooooo! Puf gets Coach in a waistlock and throws him around. Coach trying to hype up and take the big man down. Coach gets the whistle, hits the ropes and a splash, tooting all the way. UGH I HATE IT. STOOOOOP. Coach wants a lariat but Puf matrixes right through it. Puf with a tilt a whirl face buster. Puf with a big splash and Coach is down for three. The crowd is super hot for both these guys. Coach and Puf have a dance-off post-match. 

Winner: Puf 

Match 14: “Freshly Squeezed” Orange Cassidy vs “The Ovaltine Dream” Thomas Santell

From “Uncharted Territory: Season 2, Episode 1”

Santell has gifts for Cassidy. An orange with glasses and a bottle of Ovaltine. Cassidy can’t bring himself to drink it though. He has the juice. Santell loses his glass and Cassidy gives him his. Santell with a picture perfect Cassidy gimmick. Hands in trunks. Slow chops to Orange, who can’t believe what’s happening. Orange gets Santell into an octopus and puts on two pairs of glasses. Hands in pockets and catches a kick. Hands in pockets and holding a single leg crab. Santell tries to wrap up a STF but can’t extract the hands from pockets. Orange posted. Santell misses a moonsault. Cassidy exhausted and throwing slow shots. Santell fires up but so does Cassidy. Tilt-a-whirl ddt and a suplex for two. Orange wants the juice but Santell cuts him off. Suplex for two. Armbar and Orange might tap here? Santell drinks the juice but hates it. Cassidy already had some loaded,hit the mist and a Superman punch for the pin. This era of Orange Cassidy matches are SO GOOD (and this was one of his last before heading to AEW). Santell was a hell of a moment in Beyond Wrestling so this was pretty magical for this crowd. 

Winner: Orange Cassidy

SURPRISE THERE’S FIFTEEN MATCHES!!!!

Match 15: “The Ultimate Fighter” Chuck O’Neil (with Larr E. Legend) vs The Archeologists (Artie Facts & Doug Hole)

From “Beyond Championship Wresting” in 2020

GOD THIS BCW SHOW IS BACK IN THE ENCORE SPOT AGAIN. Chuck and Larry are doing a picture perfect Lesnar/Heyman act here. The Archeologists are here to square off with the man who was on the Ultimate Fighter team of B-RRRRRROOOOOOOOCK LESNAR. These are local boys from RIGHT HERE in Melrose Massachusetts. Chuck hitting the Germans in a handicap match, taking them to Suplex Village. Chuck with a falcon arrow and a scoop slam into a double pin. WHAT A HEEEEEEL. The Beyond crowd loves the Archeologists...especially Doug, the HOLE F’ING SHOW.

Winner: Chuck O’Neil

And that’s it for this month’s ”Theme Stream”!  I was at about 75% of these and wrote up a good chunk of them before. Honestly, this was a joy to go through again. If ridiculous comedy nonsense isn’t your thing in wrestling....I have nothing for you here. But if you want to laugh? Have some fun? Watch a monkey shove a banana in a man’s mouth at crotch level or several in-ring massages? Well, this is likely gonna be YOUR SH**. This monthly “Theme Stream” is looking to be a regular feature on Beyond’s YouTube in the near term future until we can get back to real shows.

In the meantime, sign up for IWTV (Promo Code: BEYOND) or pick up some of their merch from ShopIWTV.com or just LIKE SHARE AND SUBSCRIBE to the YouTube. I’ll be back for next month’s stream! Until then! 

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