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Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report on PWInsider.com!
Eddie Edwards arrives at the building, and he'll face Sami Callihan in tonight's main event! We see a video package looking back at last week's EC3-Johnny Impact match, featuring EC3's once-again fallout with Tyrus and setting up next week's World Title match between Impact and Austin Aries. We hit the opening video, and then we go to the ring for our opening match...
Ethan Carter III vs Tyrus
EC3 chews Tyrus out, so Tyrus shoves EC3 on his butt. EC3 rolls out to the floor, and spends a couple of minutes stalling and teasing that he's going to walk to the back and take a countout. He finally gets back in the ring and dishes out some chops to no effect, clothesline has no effect, tries a slam to no avail, and Tyrus easily scoops EC3 up and slams him. Tyrus gets a couple of inverted atomic drops, then some short avalanches in the corner, and EC3 rolls back out to the floor. Tyrus goes after him and EC3 leads a chase back into the ring where he finally manages to blindside Tyrus as he rolls in under the bottom rope. EC3 takes Tyrus to the mat with a big double axhandle, then goes to a three quarter nelson. EC3 goes for a Stinger Splash, but Tyrus nails him coming in, hits a T-bone suplex, charges in with another avalanche, but EC3 goes to the eyes. EC3 goes for the 1%, but Tyrus just slams him down on his face and gives EC3 the 1%. EC3 is on rubber legs as Tyrus chokeslams EC3, holds onto the goozle, and does pushups on EC3 as he pins him.
Winner: Tyrus
Biggest win of Tyrus' career, and a solid opener.
Joseph Park is backstage on his cell phone, telling his grandma that he promised Abyss was never coming back, and he is going to fight that monster tonight. He asks Grandma if she thinks he can do it, then says, "Yeah, me neither."
We go to the oVe Cam, which shows...a torn up Eddie Edwards poster? The camera turns around and Sami Callihan says Eddied Edwards can't stick his nose in oVe's business. They're not a group, they're a movement, and they are dead serious because they are Ohio vs Everything.
We go to...holy moley, it's the Impact Control Center that Josh and Pope used to call the show from in the Destination America days! Josh and Sonjay Dutt run down the rest of tonight's card, then throw us back to the ring for our next match...
El Hijo Del Phantasma vs Braxton Sutter
They do a bunch of flippy dippy stuff while Josh and Sonjay talk about the possibility of the return of All Wheels Wrestling. Braxton catches Phantasma with a short clothesline, then drops Phantasma again with a back elbow for 2. Phantasma turns it around with a windmill backbreaker for 2, then pops Sutter up into a fireman's carry for some kneelifts. A spinkick sends Sutter to the floor, and Phantasma wipes him out with a dive. Sutter sweeps Phantasma's legs on the apron, cradles him with his feet on the ropes for 2, rolls him up with a pull of the tights for another 2. Phantasma blocks a fisherman's suplex and counters to a Cradle Shock driver for the win.
Winner: El Hijo Del Phantasma
Match was okay. Sutter gets a microphone after the match and says he's been disrepsected here too many times, and he doesn't care how much management we go through because he's the biggest star this company's ever seen, and he didn't even get an entrance tonight. Here comes Brian Cage, who wipes Sutter out with a roaring lariat and then plants him with the Drill Claw. Well, that was impressive.
PlutoTV takes us back to Scott Steiner running amok, then we go to a video package of Matt Sydal as he talks about the body/mind connection it sometimes takes in this business, then we go to McKenzie interviewing Sydal as he talks about how his guru has helped him out. Ishimori comes in and hands Sydal a scroll requesting that he put the Grand Championship on the line as well next week so the winner can take all. Ishimori calls Sydal a choke artist and a d-bag, and Sydal gets mad over that.
Kongo Kong vs Joseph Park
Park hesitantly unloads a series of chops, but Kong no-sells and flattens Park. Kong with a flurry of chops and headbutts in the corner, Park tries a chop to no avail, but a flying shoulderblock does take Kong off his feet. Kong is right back up, however, and a tackle of his own sends Park into the corner. Kong follows him in with a rolling cannonball, then Kong comes off the top with the splash for 3.
Winner: Kongo Kong
Kong holds Park up as Jacobs gets a mic and asks Park one more time if Abyss is going to come back. Park doesn't answer, so Kong uses a scarf to choke Park as Jacobs says he doesn't want to do it this way, and again asks if Abyss is going to come out of not. Park yells no, so Jacobs lays next to the now unconscious Park and tells him that they're just getting started.
Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley are celebrating like New Year's in Orlando as they talk about taking those belts off of LAX. Some guests show up, and it's the Mumbai Cats. Trevor apologizes for beating them up a couple of weeks ago and tells Caleb to get them a drink, then Konnan shows up with the tag belts. Trevor gets right in his face to ask what he's doing here, and Konnan says they're tossing salads, he calls them marshmallow soft, then the Cats take the masks off and it's LAX! Big surprise. They work Trevor and Caleb over and toss them into the pool. What hardasses.
Hania is backstage, and she's...WARMING UP! Rosemary is backstage, and she's...LICKING HER FINGERS! They face off after this break!
Alberto El Patron is backstage telling Johnny Impact that his spot against Aries next week belongs to him, but it doesn't matter. They can go out there and pretend to do something amazing, but at the end of the day, they'll have to face Patron.
Hania The Huntress vs Rosemary
Rosemary lays right into Hania, Beell tossing her across the ring over and over before connecting with a hard clothesline for 2. Hania blocks the Red Wedding, hits a leg lariat, and then an axe kick for 2. Rosemary dodges another spinkick and gets the hanging leg choke over the top rope, then comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick. Rosemary with a charging forearm in the corner, then a T-bone suplex for 2. Rosemary with a spear and the Red Wedding, and that's all she wrote.
Winner: Rosemary
Almost total squash win for Rosemary. Rosemary gets a mic and says the silly little she-wolf wanted to play, but turns out she's nothing more than a puppy dog. Rosemary and the hivelings want the Knockouts Title back, and they will stop at nothing to reclaim it. Oh hey, look who's back: it's Taya Valkyrie! She gets in the ring and goes face-to- face with Rosemary, who looks really eager to do this. Taya asks Rosemary if she missed her, then says she found everything Rosemary said hilarious. They face off, Taya turns to leave, then comes back and blindsides Rosemary, knocking her to the floor. She gets a double chickenwing and hits the Road to Valhalla on the entrance ramp, then climbs on top of her and starts laughing despicably over the merciless assault she just perpetrated.
Time for the Global Wrestling Network flashback, as Eddie Edwards misses a dive to ringside and busts his face on the ringpost. Eddie's actually gotten legit hurt on that spot a couple of times. I hope nothing else stupid happens tonight that could legitimately hurt him. Eddie catches Bobby Lashley after the spot with the Boston Knee Party and pins him to win the World Title.
We see a video package looking back at Laurel Van Ness being left at the altar, then her ill-fated romance with Grado, her drunken rampages, Knockouts Title win last year after Gail Kim's retirement, and her pledge to make a commitment ceremony with the belt tonight.
Hey speaking of the commitment ceremony, here it is! KM is the minister, and he slowly walks the Knockouts Title (with a tiara thing taped to the front for the occasion) to the ring and stands by the podium. The ceremony is after this commercial break!
We're back, and KM introduces Laurel Van Ness, who isn't wearing shoes, tosses the bouquet on the way to the ring, and still has the lipstick smeared all over her face. KM congratulates Laurel and says that she looks fantastic, then says he's actually an ordained minister who has married man and woman, woman and woman, and man and man, and now he'll marry Laurel Van Ness to her Knockouts Title because it's 2018, this is a real thing, and he can do that. Laurel tells her to skip to the good part, the objection part, so KM asks if anyone has a reason Laurel shouldn't marry her title, they can speak now or forever hold their peace. Wait, someone objects...it's Braxton Sutter, who says that big meathead Braxton Sutter dropped him on his head about an hour ago, and they say your life flashes before your eyes in situations like that, but the only thing that he thought of that mattered to him...was Laurel. One year ago, he made the biggest mistake of his life when he left her at the altar for Allie. Allie ruins people's lives, Laurel looks amazing, and he loves her. He gets down on one knee to propose that the three of them spend their lives together until death do they part. Laurel tells him nonononoNONONONONO! Braxton asks if she wants to talk about it, but Laurel NOs him out of the ring. KM says serious cajones for trying that, but let's keep going. They do the objections again, nobody objects, so KM proceeds with the ceremony, and Laurel flips out and tells him to stop because not one Knockout in the back objects to this. Meanwhile, Allie sneaks into the ring behind Laurel, dressed as a ninja as Laurel yells for her to get out to the ring. Laurel turns around and Allie jumps her, beating her up until she rolls out of the ring and heads for the hills.
Back to the oVe Cam, as they do thumbs up, thumbs down.
We go back to Josh and Sonjay in the control center as they run down next week's Crossroads card, we see a video package hyping next week's Aries-Impact match, and then it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!
Eddie Edwards vs Sami Callihan
Eddie quickly attacks Sami, dumps him to the floor, and hits a dive. Sami pops right back up, hits a dive of his own, but then Eddie pops up and hits Sami with a second dive. Eddie chokes Sami with a production cable, then unloads with chops before dumping Sami back inside the ring. The Crists go after Eddie, so the referee ejects them. Eddie yells at the ref to get them out of there with his back to the ring, giving Sami the opening to go to the apron and connect with a running punt to Eddie's chest as we go to commercial.
We're back, just as Eddie gets clear of a rear chinlock and connects with a series of clotheslines and an overhead release suplex. They wind up fighting on the apron, and Sami piledrives Eddie on the apron and goes for a countout, but Eddie just makes it back in, so Sami hits a NASTY sitout powerbomb for 2. Sami whips Eddie hard into the corner, then gets a really ugly abdominal stretch/crossface combo. Eddie escapes with a jawbreaker, drills Sami with a charging dropkick as he tries to go to the top, and delivers a superplex. Eddie with the backpack driver for 2, but Sami trips him on a charge into the corner, and Eddie's face crashes into the bottom turnbuckle. Sami with a facewash and then hits Total Anarchy, but only gets 2. They exchange hard strikes and both men are down. They trade bicycle kicks, Eddie hits a superkick, but Sami takes his head off with a hard clothesline. Sami goes for a piledriver, but Eddie backdrops and cradles Sami's legs for the win.
Winner: Eddie Edwards
Sami lays Eddie out from behind and grabs his bat. Eddie tries to fight him off, but Sami hits a butterfly shoulderbreaker and grabs a chair from ringside as the Crists jump Lashley backstage before he can make the save. Sami puts the chair on Eddie's chest and appears to try and hit the chair with the bat, but either grazes or completely misses it and drills Eddie square in the face. That is one of the ugliest blown spots I think I've ever seen. The Crists continue beating Lashley up in the back as Sami celebrates in the ring and we call it a night.
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