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Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on PWInsider.com!
We open with a video package hyping tonight's match to crown a new Knockouts Champion, then we head to the ring to determine that new champion's first challenger...
#1 Contender Match: Sienna vs KC Spinelli vs Madison Rayne vs Allie
Everyone mobs Allie right at the start and begin triple teaming her in the corner, then Madison and Spinelli turn on Sienna. They clear her out, and Spinelli turns on Madison. I guess that makes her the most treacherous person in the match? Allie hits Spinelli and Sienna with a headlock takeover/headscissors combo, then Madison lays her out with a short clothesline and a bulldog. Sienna big boots Madison for 2 and dumps her to the floor with a fallaway slam as we go tocommercial.
We're back, and all heck is breaking loose as the four participants unload big bombs on each other until all four girls are down. Allie is up first and dishes out charging corner forearms to all three opponents, Sienna hits the Silencer on Madison, then breaks up a pin on Spinelli after Allie hits the Allie Valley Driver, but Allie rolls Sienna up for the win.
Winner: Allie
Good opener, and now who will Allie be challenging? FIND OUT LATER TONIGHT!
Trevor Lee & Caleb Konley vs Desmond Xavier & Taiji Ishimori
Lee and Ishimori start us off, then he and Xavier quickly double dropkick Lee for 2. Konley blocks a springboard attempt and allows Lee to punt Xavier from the apron as we go to commercial.
We're back, and Desmond Xavier is still in peril. He gets beat up for a bit until making a hot tag. Ishimori cleans house, but takes a German suplex from Lee for 2. Desmond Xavier is in and trying to take on both opponents, but he knocks Konley to the floor as Ishimori gets a victory roll on Lee for the win.
Winners: Desmond Xavier & Taiji Ishimori
Guess we have a new #1 contender to Lee's title too! Match was okay.
We see a video package looking back at the recent history between James Storm, Moose, Bobby Lashley, and American Top Team. By the way, all those guys are backstage, and they'll probably have some kind of confrontation later on tonight!
Alberto El Patron finds Johnny Impact and Petey Williams backstage, and he tells Impact that he's forced to team with him tonight because of management, but sometimes, accidents happen out there.
This week's Global Wrestling Network flashback takes us to the last five minutes or so of the match where Gail Kim became the first Knockouts Champion ten years ago.
Eli Drake and Chris Adonis are backstage making sure they're on the same page as...Jimmy Jacobs?
Eli Drake, Chris Adonis & Kongo Kong vs Alberto El Patron, Johnny Impact & Petey Williams
Jacobs comes out, but he's not here to wrestle, he's brought Kongo Kong to be the mystery partner. Adonis quickly winds up in trouble, tags out to Drake, and he has similar difficulty. Kong tags in and goes chest to face with Petey, and crushes him with a belly to belly suplex and a rolling cannonball for 2. Petey is now firmly in peril, getting crushed in the corner by an avalanche for 2. Drake comes in with a big elbowdrop for 2, but Petey catches Adonis with a flying headscissors and makes a hot tag to Impact, who comes in and cleans house on Eli Drake. Adonis comes in to intervene, but Alberto clips his knee and then gets into an argument with Impact. Alberto hits Impact with a lungblower, Drake lays Alberto out with Blunt Force Trauma, then he and Adonis flapjack Petey. Kongo Kong tags in and goes for a top rope splash, but Petey moves out of the way, Impact superkicks Drake to the floor and takes him out with a dive, Petey tries a slingshot headscissors to Kong on the floor, but Kong catches him, tosses him three rows deep into the crowd, then carries him to the back. Alberto rolls Drake inside, Impact knocks him off the apron and hits Drake with Starship Pain, but Alberto drags him to the floor and gives him a DDT on the ramp, then comes in with a top rope headbutt on Drake for the win.
Winners: Johnny Impact, Alberto El Patron & Petey Williams
A lot of great stories being told in this one. I liked it a lot. Alberto gets the title belt and holds it up as we go to commercial.
PlutoTV takes us back to the Legion of Doom laying some fools out at the TNA Asylum.
The announcers inform us that Alberto El Patron will challenge Eli Drake for the Global Title on the first Impact of 2018.
Chandler Park finds Joseph backstage and tells him that he's going to follow him into the wrestling business. Joseph tries to talk him out of it since bad things can happen in that ring, but Chandler says that Joseph proved that Parks are fighters.
We see a video package looking back at last week's EC3/Matt Sydal match, and announcing that the rematch in three weeks will also include Fallah Bahh, amking it the first three way Grand Championship Match. How the hell is the scoring supposed to work in that?
James Storm and Moose are backstage, and they're...WALKING!
Storm and Moose come out to the ring and say that ATT is starting to piss them off, and Moose says Lashley knows he can't beat him one-on-one. He calls him Bitch Boy Bobby, and this draws Lashley out to the ring (with Dan Lambert in tow) to say that he'll beat either of them anytime. The fans chant Lashley's new nickname as he says that he'll fight Moose if that's what he wants, but it'll happen on his time and on his terms. Storm tells Lambert that he doesn't like him, but he respects what he does. He says he has a problem when Lambert comes into wrestling talking like he does, because he's just a big bag of poo-poo. Yes, he really said that. Storm also says he wants Lambert one-on-one, and Lambert says he can't figure out why wrestling chose to pick a fight with MMA, or why Storm singled out American Top Team. Storm says it's because he wants to kick the s*** out of him, but Lambert says that if he wants to go cross sports, to head to the hockey arena and smack around some of those wimpy Senators. Lambert had to listen to Storm talk about how he puts his body on the line, how he loves the fans, and it made him want to puke. Now he looks at that as an opportunity, because he's been here since day one of this company. He's one of the best wrestlers to ever come here, otherwise he wouldn't have outlasted everyone else who ever came through these doors. Well, that's one way to put it. Lambert calls Storm the face of Impact Wrestling, but that also makes him the head of the snake, and if he chops it off, Impact won't be able to sell its snake oil to these mindless sheep anymore. He'll face Storm, but only if he puts his career on the line, and if Lambert wins, Storm will have to leave the house he built forever. Storm says he has a deal, and after he kicks his ass, then Lambert, Lashley, and the rest of his American Top Team can get the hell out of here. The only thing Lambert will hear for the rest of his life is SORRY ABOUT YOUR D- oh wait, Lambert s;pits his gum in Storm's face. Lashley and Moose brawl out to the floor, and KM comes in to try and make the save for Lambert, but eats the Last Call and gets laid out while Lambert heads for the hills. Storm gets the mic and tells us that he's sorry about Lambert's damn luck.
Laurel Van Ness is backstage, and she's...PRIMPING IN THE MIRROR! Rosemary is also backstage, and she's...TALKING TO THE VOICES IN HER HEAD! They'll face off for the Knockouts Title after this break!
We're back from commercial, and it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!
Knockouts Title Match: Laurel Van Ness vs Rosemary
The bell rings, Laurel goes to the floor, and we go to commercial. YAY!
We're back, and Rosemary is destroying Laurel until they go to the floor and Laurel reverses a whip into the ring steps. They go back inside and Laurel covers for 2, then hits Natural Selection for another series of 2 counts. Laurel with a foldover cradle, but Rosemary grabs the ropes at 2. Rosemary finally hits a t-bone suplex on the floor, and they both barely beat the count back in. Rosemary spears Laurel and hits a charging elbow in the corner. Laurel escapes the Red Wedding and dodges a Yakuza kick, then unloads on Rosemary with a flurry of forearms. Laurel shoves the referee, ducks a mist attempt from Rosemary, smears the mist residue in Rosemary's eyes, and hits a top rope Unprettier. Laurel makes a cover, and we have a new Knockouts Champion!
Winner and NEW Knockouts Champion: Laurel Van Ness
Great match, and I'm happy for Laurel, she's been one of the most entertaining parts of Impact this past year and absolutely deserves this.
And now our closing segment, as Sami Callihan and Konnan meet somewhere in the streets of Ottawa. Konnan is casually sitting on a park bench while Sami complains about freezing his balls off. Konnan says he doesn't respect Sami's opinion, and his emotions disarm his intelligence. He's oblivious to his own ignorance, and he's not going to argue with someone who has abandoned logic. Sami says oVe is here to take over Konnan's territories, and there's nothing he can do about it. Konnan wants the tag title since he's losing a lot of paper without it, and Sami says he's fine with that on one condition: when they win, there's no more LAX, no more Konnan, they ride off into the sunset and oVe takes over everything. Konnan says that all his tattoo parlors, his girlfriend Jessica and that little chihuahua she likes to watch, they're going to burn down all their lives, and they'll wish they were with Weinstein, Cosby, O'Reilly, and Spacey after this. Sami responds to that by throwing a fireball in Konnan's face and calling him a bitch, and he leaves him laying by the park bench as we call it a night.
Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report, I'll be back on Sunday with Dave Scherer for the Stu & Pid Show!
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