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Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on PWInsider.com!
The show opens with a video package hyping Eli Drake's title defense in Japan, and then we go to the arena where LAX comes out to open the show with what will no doubt be another eloquent, politically correct promo from Konnan. They're the blue pill of wrestling, and that's why they stay hard. Yep. Konnan says he's invoking their rematch clause against those two Ohio tweakers. Santana grabs the mic out of Konnan's hand and says they should do it in a cage to get them out here right now. oVe comes out with the belts around their waists and chairs in their hands. They say that if Konnan wants their rematch, just name the type of match and they got it. Konan says a 5150 streetfight, but Dave Crist says he better do his homework, JEFE, because if he wants it, he got it. Konnan says they'll send them back to BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP in that trailer park they come from, and Diamonte says the 5150 streetfight means oVe will have to fight all of them. LAX jumps oVe and leaves them laying, then double Beells Jake over the top rope and through a table at ringside.
We're back to take a look at what we just watched, then we take a look at Impact Wrestling heading to Japan and doing a press conference in what looks like a burger joint, then we spent about ten minutes looking at the history between Moose, Bobby Lashley, and American Top Team, right up to last week when Moose went to the gym to fight Bobby and got his ass kicked.
Rosemary comes out to the ring to say that nothing excites the Demon Assassin like finding an opponent worthy of her brand of violence and destruction. Taya Valkyrie, she implores them to come out and join them in front of all the hivelings. Taya takes 12 minutes to make her entrance, mists her in the face, and hits the Road to Valhalla before laughing maniacally.
We look at what we just looked at, then see a video package of Moose on his cell phone telling someone that he's going back to the American Top Team facility.
Taryn Terrell comes out and gets mad at the fans for not cheering for her, but now that she has her title shot at Bound For Glory, it's time for something a little more personal: a little loser named Gail Kim. She doesn't know why anyone here likes her, or why her husband Robert, who she likes to call Bobby, is even married to her, but once Bobby sees just how pathetic Gail is, they'll be on a new TV show, Divorce Court. Gail Kim comes out to have a word with Taryn, and she's not here to hurt her or touch her, she's just here to talk. Taryn forgets how well she knows her, so the mind games and psychological BS won't work with her, but she does believe karma will slap her in the face before she does. On second thought...oh wait, Gail smacks Taryn in the face and knocks her on her ass, then stomps the crud out of her. Taryn heads for the hills with a pouty looks on her face.
Video package of Albertio El Patron, who will be returning to Impact Wrestling at Bound For Glory!
McKenzie Mitchell is backstage with Sienna, KM, Texano Jr, and Caleb Konley Jr are backstage to cut a promo before their tag match tonight.
Video package of a poor, overworked Grado finally hitting his limit as Joseph Park pulls up in a fancy convertible with four high-end escorts who want his credit card to go shopping, and one calls Grado cute and asks if he's Joseph's meal ticket. Grado has just about had it, but Park and his "interns" need to go do some "coding" back at the office.
Video package of a bunch of wrestlers taking about what Bound For Glory means to them.
Hey, buy the Global Wrestling Network to pay eight bucks a month for all the stuff you didn't want to pay for the first time around, plus a bunch of indy companies nobody's heard of!
And since we're an hour in, it's just about time for our first match!
Sienna, Texano Jr & Caleb Konley vs Allie, Desmond Xavier & James Storm
Check that, they did intros and a commercial and it's 1:10 into the show by the time the bell rings to open this one. Sienna jumps Allie and works her over in the corner, but Allie uses her speed to outmaneuver Sienna and lay her out with a clothesline. Texano tags in, and Allie backs off to the corner and tags Storm in. The ycircle each other, then Texano tags out so Konley can come in and fight Storm. Storm controls until Texano blind tags in and cheap shots Storm to take the advantage. Even Sienna tags in and puts the boots to Storm during the heat segment, but Storm finally gets to his corner and makes a hot tag to Xavier, who comes in and cleans house. All heck breaks loose, Xavier goes to the top, Trevor Lee shoves him onto the top rope, but Storm is in and hits the Last Call on Konley for the win.
Winners: James Storm, Desmond Xavier & Allie
Good match! Storm and Texano have a staredown after the match.
Time for...ANOTHER VIDEO PACKAGE! It's Eli Drake succesfully defending the Global Title in Japan, then coming to Ottawa to defend the title again, and next up is Bound For Glory and another successful defense. Eddie Edwards talks about winning the GHC Title, how much he respects Marufuji, and then clips of their match as Eddie makes a successful title defense. Hey, Garza Jr also got to go to Japan, and he thinks it's great there!
Not enough video packages? How about episode 329 of Global Forged?
Back to the LAX clubhouse. Don't they do anything but sit around playing cards and dominos? Konnan thinks those tweakers found out the hard way what they got into. They inventedand perfected the 5150 streetfight, and Homicide will be back at Bound For Glory.
We see a video of Moose and some dude I don't recognize showing up at American Top Team at night with steel pipes, and it looks like they're going to trespass and commit attempted murder on a group of unarmed victims. Babyfaces!
And with that, it's...MAIN EVENT TIME!
#1 Contender Match: Garza Jr vs Johnny Impact
We see Eli Drake watching the match on his iPad from wherever they're pretending he is tonight as the match starts. They do lucha back and forth stuff and do the indy standoff. It's going to be one of those matches. Gee, I wonder if AAA will let their champion lose to someone from CRASH? They go out to the floor where Garza whips Impact into the stairs, then Impact vaults the steps on a second attempt and springboards over them with a twisty thing that misses by a mile, but Garza is nice enough to sell it anyway as we go to commercial.
We're back and they're going toe to toe until Garza tells Imapct to stop so he can take his pants off and superkick him. Garza covers for 2, then maintins control for a bit until Impact hits the Implausible Moonsault Powerslam for 2. They trade right hands and headbutts as Drake looks on in consternation, then they wipe each other out with a double clothesline. Impact does more of his dancy lucha stuff and a rolling neckbreaker for 2. Garza avoids Starship Pain, avoids it again, and hits a butterfly backbreaker and a standing moonsault for 2. Garza goes to the top, Impact hits a leaping enziguiri, Garza fights him off and hits a missile dropkick for 2. Garza gets a Boston crab and grabs the arms to turn it into the pendulum thing, then they trade pinning combinations until Impact winds up on top for 3.
Winner: Johnny Impact
It had its moments, no surprise on the winner. They shake hands after the match, then Jim Cornette comes out to introduce Impact as Eli Drake's challenger at Bound For Glory. Impact says that sneaky meathead Eli Drake has been hiding, and...oh wait, out comes Chris Adonis with a big piece of plywood that he breaks over Impact's head, knocking him out cold.
Okay, back to American Top Team, and Lashley and Dan Lambert are both gone, so they use the pipes to smash up their trophy case and steal like six title belts and destroy a couple of trophies. Next, they go into the American Top Team shop, knock over the merchandise shelves, and steal some stuff before leaving a hastily scrawled message with the front desk lady, who just stands there speechless.
That does it for Impact this week, thanks for reading and I'll be back on Sunday with Dave Scherer for the Stu & Pid Show!
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