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Welcome to PWInsider.com's live, ongoing Talkin' Shop-A-Mania 2: Rise of the Torturer coverage!
Gallows, Anderson and Rocky Romero have promised a sequel to the worst PPV ever. Let's see how it goes (badly, I am sure)
The show opened with Chris Jericho, billed as Clint Bobski - his character from Southpaw Regional Wrestling, breaking down the card tonight and then burying it after he thought the cameras were off.
We are back in parts unknown aka Gallows' home.
Karl Anderson (in a SUV) and Rocky Romero (in a kid's car) arrived. They went looking for Gallows and he was rolling around in money from everything they made from the last PPV. They legitimately did well on the last show, shocking everyone involved.
Sex Ferguson (Gallows' alter ego) arrived in a truck but was attacked by several masked men, who beat him down and kicked him in the groin, playing up the ball for a ball match.
Sex Ferguson drove up in a white pickup truck perfectly designed for him with a man (maybe his dad?) in the passenger seat. Four men with masks on appeared and attacked, kicking Ferguson in the junk.
Rory Fox, last seen running through the woods, returned, trying to cut a promo with the announcers all mocking him. He ripped off his tights to reveal thong underwear. I can only imagine what Les Thatcher is thinking.
Brian Myers and Swoggle arrived and Rimjob came out, also wearing a thong, to team with Fox. That name has to be a parody of Retribution.
Brian Myers and Swoggle vs. Rory Fox and Rimjob
Gallows and Anderson said they wanted to book Matt Cardona but he was too busy trying to get into AEW. The referee was dressed like a stereotypical caricature of a hunter in the woods. They did some silliness before Swoggle scored the pin with what was a bad looking flying bodypress (bad on purpose) for the pin. Rory turned on his partner and then ran into the woods again, but then returned, with theme music and leashed Rimjob as if he was a dog. OKaaay.
Shane Helms showed up as Detective Gregory Helms, investigating a murder as Rocky Romero was interviewing Lazer. I am really let down this wasn't Lasor Tron There are some watching this who may think the victim was pro wrestling. There was a "dead body" next to the promo.
Frankie Coverdale vs. Freight Train
Freight Train accompanied by Ball Lamena (Paul Heyman parody). This was mercifully short with Freight Train getting the win.
They aired a video package for the Lucha Libre Death Match with Team Chico el Luchador (Romero) vs. Team Chavo Guerrero.
Detective Helms interviewed Sami Callihan and Madman Fulton, who were drinking poolside as possible suspects. He heard something behind him and turned around and when he looked at them again, THEY WERE DEAD.
We then went to ROLL UNDERSHED, a knockoff of Raw Underground. A bunch of wrestlers brawled around. Lazer did a dive out of the tree to wipe all the others out. Long admitted it was the worst thing he's ever seen. Rhino showed up goring people. Justin Credible appeared and Rhino challenged him to a Softcore match. They battled with blow-up water toys and stuffed animals. Tommy Dreamer showed up and told Rhino to hit the buffet. Dreamer then covered Credible and scored the pin. Everyone chanted "You're softcore." Egads.
A big man attacked Dreamer and tried to attack him with a sleeper. It was Scott D'Amore getting revenge because he has to sit in booking meetings with Dreamer. Yep, that's what he said. The wrestlers who had been brawling all begged for jobs.
Next was an Evolution parody. The group showed up in a stretch limo but it was parked so far away, they had to walk. Paul Lee was back playing up his Nature Boy knockoff. Mike Knox was parodying Batista. The Triple H imitator was tired of walking and went into the woods to pee, but came across Mark Jindrak, of all people, who laid him out. There was a Randy Orton knockoff named Nathan Horton as well.
George North vs. Paul Lee
I can't wait until George South shows up and is then attacked by George East and George West.
This was...not good. Lee nailed a nasty looking suplex and locked on a figure four. Someone named Stump Kowalski hit the ring with a chair. North scored the pin. Angry as the loss, Knox as Batista laid out Lee with a Batista Bomb.
Detective Helms was interviewing someone named Balls Deep Billy, who was paying attention to an App on his phone. Helms took the phone from him and when he looked up, Billy had disappeared. The mystery continues!!
Thus far, we got what we were promised. It's all sorts of silliness that the guys do to pop themselves in the locker room and how you are going to enjoy this depends on how silly you are willing to let pro wrestling be presented. It truly is Jackass meets backyard wrestling meeds Impractical Jokers.
Detective Helms found Robert Gibson selling gimmicks. There was a sign telling everyone Ricky Morton isn't there. What, he turned down this booking?
Lucha Libre Death Match - Team Chavo Guerrero vs. Team Chico el Luchador
Rocky Romero told us last week that this bust the budget for the PPV. This was filmed in Los Angeles.
Team Chico is Watts (from UWN), Alex Kozlov, Score, Taylor Williamson (a comedy) and a random Zombie.
Team Chavo is Taya from Impact, Sinn the Clown (Kizarny), JTG and Alex Kozlov's mother.
You can't make this up.
They were all legitimately "killing each other" with silly, Sharknado level special effects. The Zombie killed the referee. Taya ripped Score's spine out. Kozlov's mom was beating him with a belt but he put his thumb in her bum. The Zombie was shot by Kozlov. This went on until Watts grabbed a Bazooka and shot it, blowing up Team Chavo. JTG helped up Chico but was stopped by Chavo who STABBED HIM IN THE THROAT. Chavo nailed him in the head with a crowbar.
Chico woke up in an animated segment where Gallows, Anderson and Nzo were yelling at him to wake up. I can't even begin to explain this one.
Chico woke up with Chavo standing over him but the comedian impaled Chavo with a LIGHTSABER and killed him, except this wasn't a work, it was a real murder. The other dead people broke kayfabe and asked him what the hell he was doing.
We are told Detective Helms has solved the murder. Air Paris walked past a barber shop window. Helms wanted to know where he was the day WCW died. Helms was standing there as Paris left. Someone shoved him through the Barbed Shop Window and ran off. They said it was MARTY.
They aired a video feature on the Ball for a Ball match. Chad 2 Badd said he was going to rip Sex Ferguson's "ball sack off." Okaaaaay.
Ball For A Ball Match: Sex Ferguson vs. Chad 2 Badd
Ferguson beat up all of Badd's henchmen. They argued and then realized one of the henchmen had pooped him. They said that was a Koskey. They began brawling in the yard. Feguson called for "Mordecas" and it was Kevin Thorne as Mordecai. He was supposed to take out the testicles but instead ended up stabbing himself. Ferguson told him his gimmick sucked.
Badd grabbed Ferguson's baby makers with a thong. The fake HHH from earlier showed up and they questioned why he lied to them but then Badd told him to hit Ferguson in the groin, so he did with a sledgehammer. Badd grabbed Ferguson's tongue with the tongs. Ferguson came back to nail him into some ring steps. Badd came back with a groin shot.
They brawled over to a sex swing. Ferguson was trapped sitting in it and Nick Mondo was called in with a weedwhacker to cut his penis off. Rocky Romero ran in and said they have no insurance for this and demanded Mondo leave. That was funny. He was about to nail Ferguson with a fist to the groun but Gallows' wife showed up and asked what was going on, she went to a movie and they came back and they are playing Ferguson and Badd. She was with porn star Annie Cruz and Badd was shocked she knew her.
Gangrel showed up as Badd was putting himself over and gave Badd the Bloodbath spit at his groin. Badd sold it was burning his nether-regions. Ferguson locked a giant clothespin on his groin and then lifted him by it into the air. They battled back and forth. Ferguson used a Tazer on Badd's penis. Badd tied his, well, you know, to a truck with the idea he was going to pull it off. Badd demanded they back the truck off. They backed it up but the truck hit a woman. Badd told Ferguson he made him run over a woman.
They battled again and kicked each other in the groin at the same time. Zombidied versions of Sami Callihan, Madman Fulton and Alex Kozlov attacked but Ethan Page as the Karateman made the save, only to punch them in the groin at the same time. He called for more torture and a Sting knockoff nailed them with a bat. Virgil and Mr. Hughes showed up and stomped their groins. Then, the Powers of Pain showed up and continued the torture. Scott Steiner showed up and asked them all what the hell was wrong with them. He told them "F*** you" and that the PPV is worst than the first.
They announced the Torturer was the winner.
Somewhere, the Torturer and all his friends were eating. The Torturer said all we were missing is a boss looking to put himself on top. Scott D'Amore showed up to fill that role. Scott Steiner dropped some Steiner math. The Torturer revealed his own title. They all laughed maniacally forever before we were told this was TO BE CONTINUED...MAYBE
Well, in the annals of shows, it was... a show.
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