The stage is full of presents for Hulk Hogan’s birthday celebration.
We don’t start with a birthday celebration, we begin with one of the participants in the main event at SummerSlam. Brock Lesnar, with the Brock Bounce, and Paul Heyman make their way to the ring.
Paul Heyman introduces himself and he says that he will be the advocate for the reigning and defending WWE Champion in six days, the conqueror Brock Lesnar. Before he beings his dissertation, he wants to give you a taste of what he does on Raw. He sells you on major events. If he has to come out here and explain the history making beating that John Cena will suffer on Sunday at SummerSlam, you are missing the point.
Paul says that his client wants him to sell SummerSlam to the Cenation. He wants to address fans of John Cena. Bad things happen to good people when you step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. Paul says that those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Paul shows us some historical perspective. We see Brock defeating the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. If you were a fan of the Undertaker, he told you before Wrestlemania . . . and he did tell you before Wrestlemania, that this would be the look of shock on everyone’s face when Brock drove the Undertaker down into the canvas and put the streak out of the conqueror’s misery.
If you were an Undertaker fan, you wouldn’t have missed SummerSlam.
When Brock was a rookie, he got his hands on Dwayne Johnson. If you were a fan of The Rock, you were going to watch the show. Brock beat the Rock and he was out of action for 6 to 8 months.
When Brock was finished with Hulk Hogan, he was gone for a year. If Hogan came back for revenge, there would not be a birthday celebration tonight.
If you are a fan of John Cena, don’t miss SummerSlam. When Cena says ‘You Can’t See Me’, he ain’t lying. When Brock gets done with John, you aren’t going to see him around here any more.
Paul says that he has gotten his hands on John Cena before. We get another historical perspective. We see photos from Extreme Rules 2012 when Brock faced John Cena. While John won the match, John will tell you that he lost the fight. The beating that Brock laid down on John Cena is something that needs to be addressed. When John got that tainted victory, Brock will not make an excuse. Brock was still battling diverticulitis. That Brock was Brock at 50% and he still laid down a beating that John couldn’t get up from. Brock is at 100%. The beating that John will face is that of a Shakespearean tragedy.
John is a 15 time champ and he likes to have fun, but not at Brock’s expense. He says that he is not from West Newberry. His client is the conqueror, he is Brock’s advocating Jew. His client is the beat. On the 17th day of August, his client feast. Does John think that he is going to win because he is the Doctor of the Thugs. John says that his time is now, but Brock says that his calendar is out of date. He tells John to get it out of your system that the Champ is Here. We are six days away from the biggest arena on the West Coast when his client will conquer John Cena.
Paul says that his client wants you to know that this is Brock’s house now. On Sunday, it will be Brock’s title. His client has already conquered the WWE Universe. That means that you are his servants. This ring is Brock’s home. If you will excuse him, he will take the man of the house out to dinner. John Cena has something to say and there is a birthday celebration for Hulk Hogan.
When the man of the house is done eating dinner, he is coming back home.
We see birthday wishes for Hulk Hogan from Flo Rida and Number One Artist Weird Al Yankovic.
We go to commercial with Roman Reigns getting ready for his match against a hand picked opponent of the Authority.
We are back and Kane is back in the suit, but he has his old music. Kane says that he is Director of Operations again for the Authority. He tells Roman that last week in your match against Kane, you were able to emerge victorious. That is almost like beating two men. Six weeks (sic) or six days before facing Randy Orton, the Authority wants to see how he will do facing two men.
Match Number One: Roman Reigns versus Curtis Axel and Ryback
Axel starts things off against Reigns. Reigns takes his time pacing around. Reigns pushes Axel into his corner. They lock up and Reigns with a side head lock and shoulder tackle. Axel calls Reigns a coward and he pushes Reigns. Reigns punches Axel like a coward.
Ryback tags in and they lock up. Reigns with a side head lock and shoulder tackle but Ryback stays on his feet. Ryback tells Reigns to try again. Reigns looks like he is going to do it again but he clotheslines Ryback instead. Reigns with a punch. Ryback with shoulders in the corner followed by a punch and he pie faces Reigns. Reigns with punches. Ryback with an Irish whip but Reigns with a clothesline out of the corner.
Axel distracts Reigns and Ryback hits him from behind. Ryback tries for a suplex but Reigns blocks it and hits a suplex of his own. Reigns with a back elbow and punch. Reigns knocks Axel off the apron and Reigns punches Ryback but Ryback with a power bomb out of the corner.
We go to commercial.
We are back and Reigns with punches to Ryback. Ryback with a knee and Irish whip but Reigns fights out of the corner. Ryback misses a clothesline and Ryback with a back elbow and boot that sends Ryback to the floor. Reigns goes to the floor and Axel tries to hit Reigns from behind. Ryback hits Reigns from behind and Reigns is sent into the ring post.
Reigns is sent into the ring post by Axel and Ryback and the referee calls for the bell.
Winner: Roman Reigns (by disqualification)
After the match, Reigns is brought back into the ring and Axel with a knee and Ryback with a splash into the corner. Axel and Ryback get too cocky and Reigns with a clothesline to Axel and then to Ryback. Reigns with a Samoan drop to Axel followed by splash and clothesline to Ryback that sends him to the floor. Axel misses a splash and Reigns kicks the leg and Axel flips and falls into the Juggernaut spot for the Juggernaut Drop Kick.
Axel and Ryback are in the ring again and Reigns hits the Superman punch on Ryback and then on Axel. Reigns with a spear to Ryback and then he gives one to Axel because he has to.
Renee Young is in the ring to interview Roman Reigns. She asks him about the match with Randy Orton at SummerSlam.
Roman looks around as he hears the Roman chants. Reigns asks Portland if it looks like he is ready. Randy left him laying recently because Randy thought Roman stole something from him. Reigns says that he will take everything from Randy on Sunday.
Roman asks what is a Viper when its fangs are knocked down its throat. It is a worthless little worm.
Kane walks in the back and Randy Orton stops him. Randy says that Roman says that he is not afraid of the Viper. Curtis Axel and Ryback couldn’t get the job done tonight. The demon couldn’t get it done last week. Randy says that he will end Roman Reigns at SummerSlam.
Kane tells Randy something before he leaves. The match on Sunday will be one of Orton’s biggest challenges. The Authority wanted to make sure he is ready. That is why Randy will face Sheamus. Kane says that is what is best for business.
Randy tells Kane fine and walks away.
Rob Van Dam comes to the ring for his match and we go to commercial.
Match Number Two: Seth Rollins versus Rob Van Dam
Rollins with kicks to Van Dam and he chokes him in the corner. Van Dam with an Irish whip and spin kick into the corner. Van Dam with a standing moonsault for a near fall. Van Dam punches Rollins in the corner but Rollins gets out of the corner and he kicks Van Dam in the leg. Rollins with more kicks. Rollins with a back elbow for a near fall. Rollins with a reverse chin lock followed by an elbow to the bridge of the nose.
Van Dam with a body scissors rollup for a near fall. Van Dam with punches but Rollins with an Irish whip. Van Dam with an elbow followed by a springboard thrust kick. Rollins rolls to the floor but Van Dam with a baseball slide.
Van Dam puts Rollins on the ringside barrier but Rollins moves and Van Dam misses the guillotine leg drop after crashing and burning. We go to commercial.
We are back and Rollins with a reverse chin lock. Van Dam with a kick to the head and it staggers Rollins. Rollins misses a splash into the corner and Van Dam with clotheslines and a slam. Van Dam signals for an hits a splash out of Rolling Thunder for a near fall. Van Dam with a thrust kick and Van Dam hits a split legged moonsault for a near fall.
Van Dam flips over Rollins but Rollins with a kick. Van Dam with an Irish whip and he tries for a monkey flip but Rollins pushes Van Dam out of the corner and then Rollins with Black Out for the three count.
Winner: Seth Rollins
Rollins goes to the stage after the match and he looks at the presents for Hulk Hogan. Rollins sees a large gift box and we know the history of people in large gift boxes so Rollins looks at it. Rollins thinks he has avoids Ambrose, but Ambrose comes out of the box and he attacks Rollins. Rollins is sent to the floor by Ambrose. Ambrose forces Rollins to escape through the crowd.
Dean tells Seth to run while he can because he cannot run away in six days. For just $9.99, he is going to get more than his money’s worth.
Stephanie McMahon walks through the back. We go to commercial.
We are back and Stephanie McMahon makes her way to the ring and we see what happened last week during the contract signing main event.
Stephanie says that as a Principal Owner of the WWE, it is her mission to do what is best for the WWE Universe. She says that they some times get negative information about a superstar. Stephanie mentions that Daniel Bryan underwent surgery a few months ago and he is rehabbing the injury.
Stephanie brings out Daniel’s physical therapist, Megan Miller. Stephanie wants Megan to come to the ring.
Stephanie says that Megan has something to confess and Stephanie convinces Megan to tell everyone.
Megan says that she has gotten to know Daniel and Brie. Her and her boyfriend have gotten to know them and have had dinner with them. She is doing whatever it takes to get Daniel back into the ring. She says that Daniel has an appreciation for the WWE and the fans.
Megan starts to say something but she starts to cry. Megan says that her boyfriend left her and she cannot be Daniel’s physical therapist any more. It happened so innocently. At least at first.
Stephanie asks Megan again what happened.
She says that she has been having an affair with Daniel Bryan.
Stephanie says that she is so sorry and she hugs Megan.
Brie Bella comes to the ring and she confronts Megan.
Stephanie says that it is the wife who is the last to know.
Stephanie says that Daniel threw Brie away like a piece of trash. Stephanie says that Brie’s problem is not with her, but with Megan.
Stephanie says that Daniel told Megan that Brie was a dead fish.
Brie slaps Megan while Stephanie screams ‘Yes’. Brie then takes Stephanie down and despite her husband’s infidelity, Brie applies his Yes Lock.
Officials come to the ring to pull Brie off Stephanie.
Stephanie says that this is not happening at SummerSlam. It happens tonight.
We go to commercial with birthday wishes from Drew Brees, AJ Hawk, and Aaron Rodgers.
We are back with a Moments Ago Moment of the time that Raw made an Impact.
Match Number Three: Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter) versus Cesaro
Swagger goes for the ankle but Cesaro with a front face lock into a side head lock. Cesaro with a shoulder tackle and he tries for a double stomp, but Swagger moves. Swagger with a waist lock take down. Swagger with a side head lock and shoulder tackle. Swagger catches Cesaro on a leap frog attempt and hits a power slam for a near fall.
Swagger with an Irish whip but Cesaro moves when Swagger charges into the corner. Cesaro with a gutwrench suplex. Cesaro kicks Swagger in the head and he punches Swagger in the corner. Cesaro with a kick and running European uppercut and Swagger is down. Cesaro with an abdominal stretch.
While the feed tries to leave the network, Swagger tries to get out of the abdominal stretch. Cesaro with a back breaker and he applies an arm bar. Swagger with shoulders in the corner but Cesaro goes to the turnbuckles for a double sledge. Cesaro goes to the turnbuckles again and Swagger with a belly-to-belly suplex followed by a clothesline into the corner and a short arm clothesline.
Swagger with a punch but Cesaro with a knee and he drops Swagger on the top rope. Cesaro with a running boot that knocks Swagger off the apron and Swagger hits the ringside barrier as we go to commercial.
We are back and Swagger is in an abdominal stretch again. Swagger escapes but Cesaro returns to the abdominal stretch and he tries to take off the wrap around the injured ribs. Swagger escapes and then he hits the Swagger Bomb and gets a near fall after a clothesline and boot. Swagger goes for an ankle lock but Cesaro with an inside cradle for a near fall. Swagger blocks a kick and he punches Cesaro in the corner. Cesaro with a shot to the throat followed by a boot to the head for a near fall.
Cesaro goes to the turnbuckles and hits a back senton and gets a near fall. Swagger goes to the apron and then he sends Swagger into the ring post. Cesaro climbs the turnbuckles for the Gorilla superplex but Swagger blocks it and he sends Cesaro to the apron. Swagger with a punch and clothesline that sends Cesaro back into the ring. Cesaro with a knee to the midsection after sending Swagger into the air. Cesaro with a running European uppercut for a near fall.
Cesaro slaps Swagger to mock him. Cesaro with a double stomp but Swagger tries for the ankle lock. Cesaro gets to the ropes and he kicks Swagger. Cesaro with a boot from the apron and he goes up top but Swagger pulls Cesaro off the turnbuckles and he applies the ankle lock. Cesaro has to tap out.
Winner: Jack Swagger
After the match, Zeb says that they are in Portlandia. On Sunday, they will be at SummerSlam. He says that it will be DePortlandia. He has a message for whatever her name is for that love sick puppy. After SummerSlam, everyone from Los Angeles to Chernobyl will remember the 50 stars and 13 bars. Jack Swagger will own Rusev.
The ‘We The People’ is hijacked by the Russian flag dropping and Rusev’s music.
We go to commercial.
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