We are in Grand Rapids, Michigan and your announcers are John ‘Can I be in the Rumble this year’ Layfield and Josh ‘Remember Me’ Mathews.
The Real Americans are in the ring with Zeb Colter and Zeb has something to say.
Zeb says that their opponents tonight are the Big Show, a big overbearing obtuse bully who attacked a war veteran because he could. Let us take a look at that act of bravery.
Zeb says that was disgraceful. His partner is not much better. A man who comes to the ring wearing a mask by the name of Rey Mysterio. Zeb wants to know what Senor Mysterio is running from, if that is his real name.
Zeb says they do not have their own name so he will give it to them. Why not call them the Border Hopping Bullies. Why not call them El Gordito and the Jumping Bean. His favorite is Tacos Supremos . . . Hold the Salsa. Whatever you call them, they are a big part of the problem in this country. Zeb wants all of the Real Americans to rise and put their hands over their hearts to say ‘We the People’.
Match Number One: Rey Mysterio and Big Show versus Antonio Cesaro and Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter)
Swagger and Show start off and Show with forearms to the back. Cesaro tags in and they lock up. Show biels Cesaro across the ring. Show with a hard Irish whip and then Show slams Cesaro. Show with a curb stomp on Cesaro followed by a forearm to the back. Show sends Cesaro into the air and then to the mat. Show biels Cesaro over the top rope to the floor and he tags in Rey.
Rey with a seated splash off the apron and then he gives Swagger a head scissors that sends Swagger into the ringside barrier.
We go to commercial.
The referee starts his count while Cesaro tries to regain his balance. Cesaro gets back into the ring and he tags in Swagger. Swagger with a wrist lock and he backs Rey into the corner and connects with a knee and then gives him a hard Irish whip. Swagger punches Rey in the corner followed by an Irish whip. Rey with a boot and then he hits a head scissors that sends Swagger into the ropes.
Cesaro tags in and he hits a tilt-a-whirl back breaker for a near fall. Swagger tags in and he sends Rey into the turnbuckles. Swagger runs Rey into the turnbuckles and chokes him in the corner. Cesaro tags in and they send Rey under the bottom rope to the floor.
Cesaro brings Rey back in and gets a near fall. Cesaro with a reverse chin lock. Rey with elbows and Rey with a victory roll for a near fall. Cesaro with the giant swing to Rey and Swagger tags in and they hit a double back elbow and Swagger gets a near fall. Swagger with kicks in the corner and Cesaro with a kick of his own before the referee sees him.
Swagger slingshots Rey’s throat into the rope and he gets a near fall. Swagger traps the arms but Rey gets to his feet. Swagger runs into a knee from Rey and Rey tries for a rana but Swagger blocks it. Rey is able to send Swagger into the turnbuckles. Swagger with a knee to keep Rey from making the tag.
Cesaro tags in and Rey hits a double DDT. Show tags in and Show sends Swagger to the mat and then he sends Cesaro into Swagger in the corner. Show with a double biel and then Show sends Swagger to the floor. Rey with a 619 to Cesaro and then Show with a knock out punch to Cesaro. Rey tags in and he climbs onto Show’s shoulders for the dive and the three count.
Winners: Rey Mysterio and Big Show
After the match, Paul Heyman tells Big Show to enjoy this celebration and then Heyman makes his way to the stage. He says that he does not have to tell Show who he is. He should advise Show that he should cherish every single moment of this celebration because there will be nothing for Show to celebrate at the Royal Rumble.
To his giant credit, Big Show stuffed a take down attempt by Brock Lesnar. He gutwrenched Brock Lesnar and heaved him clear over the top rope. That is why beating him on Sunday will not be enough. He assures Show that as unpleasant that it is to inform him, Show will suffer and be subjugated by his client. Then Brock Lesnar will go on to conquer the rest of the WWE Universe.
We go to commercial.
Match Number Two: Brodus Clay versus Miz
Before the match starts, Wade Barrett rises from the side of the stage. Wade wants some decorum. Later on tonight, there will be a huge ten man tag team match that will be filled with action and star power. This would be a main event match in any era. Wade says that he has some bad news. In the meantime we will have to suffer through one of the worst matches in WWE History. Brodus Clay versus the Miz.
Wade starts a ‘Miz is Awful’ chant.
Clay starts at Miz but misses. Miz with punches but Clay with elbow drops while the crowd joins in the chant. Clay with a near fall followed by a heart punch. Wade continues to berate the match. Miz with a kick and punches. Clay with an Irish whip followed by a Sheeeplex. Wade wants Brodus to do some dancing.
Miz with a kick and DDT for the three count.
After the match, Miz confronts Barrett and tries to shake his perch. Wade says that he is staying up here while Miz is down there.
We have the Royal Rumble by the Numbers video package.
Match Number Three: AJ Lee (with Tamina Snuka) versus Cameron (with Naomi) in a Non Title Match
AJ with a knee and she sends Cameron to the mat. AJ sends Cameron in the turnbuckles and kicks her. AJ with an Irish whip but she runs into boots from Cameron and Cameron pulls AJ down by the hair. Cameron with clotheslines and a drop kick to the head. Cameron with a split leg drop for a near fall. Cameron with a baseball slide to Tamina but AJ with a rollup for a near fall. AJ with a Shining Wizard for the three count.
Winner: AJ Lee
After the match, Tamina sends Cameron to the floor and Naomi with a flying shoulder tackle and kick followed by a Bubba Bomb.
It is time to take a look back to the return of Batista on Monday night.
The Shield are in the back. Dean Ambrose says that in two days 27 superstars will have the dreams and aspirations to headline Wrestlemania. This year it is not like that because The Shield is in the Royal Rumble and these dogs are hungry.
Seth says the Royal Rumble match has never seen anything like the Shield. They will dominate the match and anyone who enters the ring will be considered a casualty.
Roman says that the Big Dog will win the Royal Rumble and he will headline Wrestlemania.
Match Number Four: Curtis Axel and Ryback versus Fernando and Diego (with El Torito)
Ryback stars off with Diego. Ryback with a kick and forearm and then he hits a press power slam. Ryback with a leg drop for a near fall. Axel tags in and they send Diego into the turnbuckles. Axel with a punch that is blocked. Axel with a kick and drop kick after a hurdle leap frog. Axel sends Diego into the turnbuckles and he kicks Diego.
Ryback tags in and he punches Diego. Ryback with a slam and splash for a near fall. Diego with forearms but Ryback with a forearm and he goes to the turnbuckles for a belly flop but Diego gets his knees up. Axel tags in and he misses a splash into the corner. Fernando tags in and he hits a springboard forearm and he chops Axel. Fernando with a shoulder tackle and then he knocks Ryback of the apron.
Fernando with a Downward Spiral for a near fall. Ryback sends Diego to the floor but Fernando with a drop kick to the back to send Ryback to the floor. Axel with a rollup for the three count.
Winners: Ryback and Curtis Axel
After the match, Torito sends Axel to the floor. Fernando with a baseball slide to Axel and then Torito with a cross body onto Ryback.
CM Punk is walking in the back as we go to commercial.
We are back and CM Punk makes his way to the ring.
Punk says on Monday night on Raw, the Authority’s lap dog, Kane dropped the bombshell that he would be number one in the Royal Rumble. That is how the Authority is going to get to him with their hidden agenda. This is how they will try to keep him from winning or doubting himself. He wonders how much Stephanie and Hunter deal with their surroundings because they have been dealing with him for a decade.
What else do you expect from Vince’s spoiled brat daughter and doofus son in law. Being number one in the Royal Rumble match and being behind the Authority’s eight ball, it has made him more focused on becoming the WWE World Champion and headlining Wrestlemania.
Punk says that he has done many special things, but there is one thing missing from his resume. That is winning the Royal Rumble Match. It would not be easy being number 30. When you call yourself the best in the world, you paint a huge target on your chest and you have to back it up every night. On Sunday, he walks into the lion’s den and he will punch it in its stupid face and then he will eliminate 29 others to make sure that he is the last man standing.
Kane makes his way to the stage. He tells Punk on behalf of the Authority, he wishes him the best of luck. They say that number one is a nearly impossible position to win, but he has done some calculating. He has a .000000186 percent chance of winning. Being the Best in the World should tip things in his favor.
Punk tells him never to tell him the odds. He says that it is sad that this is what has become of the Devil’s Favorite Demon. He is at the top of the ramp in his little suit with his tie. When handed in his mask, he must have handed in his manhood. He knows that being number one makes it tough on him. Number one has won before and the best in the world will do it again.
We go to commercial.
We are back with a look at the Daniel Bryan and Bray Wyatt situation.
Match Number Five: Darren Young and Titus O’Neil versus Luke Harper and Erick Rowan (with Bray Wyatt)
Harper and Young start things off and Harper with punches to Young. Young with forearms but Harper with a punch and boot to the head. Rowan tags in and hits a fallaway slam. Rowan with punches and Harper tags in and he pulls Rowan out of the way and Rowan sends Harper into Titus. Rowan with a splash into the corner and Harper with a lariat for the three count.
Winners: Luke Harper and Erick Rowan
After the match, Bray goes into the ring and he tells Harper and Rowan to pick up Young. Wyatt looks at Young and then he kisses Young and hits Sister Abigail.
Wyatt gets on the mic and he says that he will not just defeat Daniel Bryan, he will hurt him. Then he is going to change the world. They won’t be able to comprehend his actions. Not at first. He guarantees him that they will deny him no more. Follow the Buzzards.
Daniel Bryan comes out to the stage. He tells Bray to listen to these people. We fear not fate. We fear not the reapers. We fear not burning with the saints. When Bray looks across the ring at him, Daniel will no longer be trapped in the prison of Bray’s madness. Bray will be trapped in the madness of his. Daniel says that Bray will realize who the true monster is as the entire universe chants ‘YES’.
Bray says that he lives for this.
Fandango and Summer Rae walk in the back.
We go to the Goldman Box where Kofi talks about walking on his hands or bouncing on chairs. He will do whatever it takes to avoid being eliminated in the Royal Rumble Match. He will pull off his biggest feat this year when he wins the Royal Rumble and goes on to headline Wrestlemania.
Match Number Six: Fandango (with Summer Rae) versus Kofi Kingston
They lock up and Fandango with a side head lock and shoulder tackle. Kofi with a leaping back elbow for a near fall. Kofi with a boot to Fandango and then he sends Fandango over the top rope to the floor.
Emma has made her way to the front row to dance and hold her sign.
Kofi goes for a leap off the steps but Fandango moves and Fandango with a clothesline to Kofi. They go back into the ring and Fandango gets a near fall. Fandango with elbows to Kofi. Fandango with an Irish whip and Kofi with a drop kick out of the corner and both men are down. Kofi with chops to Fandango followed by a drop kick but Fandango avoids the leaping clothesline.
Fandango with an enzuigiri for a near fall. Fandango goes to the turnbuckles for the FandangoBama Jam but Kofi gets up. Kofi with Trouble in Paradise for the three count.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
We go to commercial.
We are back with a video package for the Royal Rumble by the Numbers.
We are back with a video package for the Randy Orton versus John Cena match at the Royal Rumble.
Match Number Seven: Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Billy Gunn, and BG James versus Cody Rhodes, Goldust, Jimmy Uso, Jey Uso, and Big E Langston
Rollins and Jimmy start things off and Rollins with kicks in the corner. Rollins with an Irish whip but Jimmy slides into the corner and hits a forearm. Jimmy does some dancing after some leap frogs. Jimmy with a Bubba Bomb for a near fall. Jey tags in and they hit a double back elbow and double elbow drop for a near fall. Rollins with a punch and he tags in Ambrose.
Ambrose misses a clothesline but Jey with a super kick and uppercut. Ambrose with a kick and punch. Jey with a forearm and he gets a near fall. Jimmy tags in and he goes up top for a double sledge to the arm followed by a chop. Jey tags back in and Jimmy with a shoulder in the corner. Langston tags in and Jey with a shoulder in the corner. Langston with shoulders in the corner and then he picks up Ambrose and back drops him.
Ambrose goes for a cross body but Langston catches him and hits three back breakers. Langston runs into a boot from Ambrose and Reigns tags in and hits a flying clothesline for a near fall. Reigns with a head butt and he punches Langston. Reigns runs his forearm across the face and he tags in Ambrose.
Dean punches Langston in the ribs and then he has something to say to Langston before putting him in the ropes. Ambrose sets for the running drop kick but Langston with a belly-to-belly suplex and he tags in Rhodes. Cody with a springboard drop kick to Ambrose. Rollins tags in and Cody with a back drop and then he sends everyone else off the apron. Cody with a drop down uppercut and then he tries for Beautiful Disaster but Rollins moves.
Gunn tags in and Rollins is sent over the top rope to the floor. Gunn with a clothesline and then he kicks Rhodes and follows with forearms and he gets a near fall.
We go to commercial.
Gunn with punches to Rhodes and Cody goes to the floor. Gunn sends Rhodes back in and gets a near fall. Gunn with a knee drop for a near fall. James tags in and he kicks Rhodes in the ribs. James punches and kicks Rhodes. James tries to draw Cody’s partners into the ring but they do not bite. Ambrose tags in and he connects with a short arm clothesline followed by a snap elbow drop for a near fall.
Ambrose with a rear chin lock into a cross face chicken wing. Cody with elbows to get out of the hold and then he hits a jawbreaker. Ambrose with a knee and he tags in Rollins. Seth with a punch followed by a snap mare and kick to the back.
Rollins gets a near fall. Rollins with a rear chin lock and then he traps the arm before working on the head. Rhodes with punches. Rollins with an Irish whip but Cody floats over and gets a near fall with a sunset flip. Rollins with an elbow and front face lock. Gunn tags in and he kicks Rhodes and punches him. Gunn with a fist drop and he gets a near fall.
Gunn with a reverse chin lock. Reigns tags in and he kicks Cody in the midsection. Reigns with a front face lock and Cody stomps on Reigns’ foot. Reigns with punches to Cody and he chokes him in the ropes and connects with forearms to the back. Reigns with a cravate. Ambrose tags in and he connects with a forearm and punch. Ambrose with a reverse chin lock.
Ambrose with a belly-to-back suplex for a near fall. Ambrose kicks Cody and then he puts Cody on the turnbuckles. Ambrose sets for a belly-to-back superplex but Cody with elbows. Rollins tags in and he goes for a superplex to the floor. Cody with a head butt that knocks Rollins off the apron.
Reigns tags in and Roman is kicked into the center of the ring and Cody with a moonsault and both men are down. Goldust and James are tagged in and Goldust with clotheslines and punches followed by a drop down uppercut. Goldust with a spinebuster but Gunn attacks Goldust. Goldust with a head scissors from the turnbuckles. Gunn is sent to the floor. James with jabs to Goldust but Goldust with a power slam for a near fall.
Rollins with a knee to the head of Goldust. Langston with a shoulder tackle to Rollins and he sets for the Big Ending but Reigns with a spear to Langston. Jey with a super kick and Jimmy goes up top and hits a superfly splash on Reigns. Ambrose is sent to the floor. Gunn trips Jimmy while Jey hits a plancha. Gunn with a Fameasser but Cody with Beautiful Disaster to Gunn.
James with a kick and pump handle slam. James with a crotch chop but Goldust with a rollup and the Shield break it up so the referee calls for the bell.
Winners: (by disqualification)
All ten men battle in the ring for a preview of what might happen on Sunday night. More of the participants in the Royal Rumble Match make their way to the ring and we have a bigger melee. CM Punk stands on the stage while his music plays and he makes his way to the ring.
We go to credits.