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COMPLETE IMPACT WRESTLING REPORT: ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE EPISODES WHERE THE ENTIRE FIRST HALF HOUR IS JUST ONE LONG IN-RING PROMO, BULLY RAY'S SPOOKY MUSIC RETURNS, ABYSS REEMERGES FROM THE DEPTHS OF JOSEPH PARK'S MIND, JEFF HARDY HAS HAD IT, AND MUCH MORE

By Stuart Carapola on 2013-12-26 22:55:39
Welcome to the Impact Wrestling Report here on PWInsider.com!

We look back at last week when Brutus Magnus won the TNA World Title under less than ideal circumstances, then we run down tonight's card and go to the ring as Rockstar Spud introduces the man who is responsible for all of this, and is greater than anyone in the world, Madame Dixie Carter. Dixie and her music come down to the ring to a warm reception from the fans and talks about how the right man won last week, and she knows they all look up to Magnus as a role model. The fans chant that they want AJ as she talks about Impact365 and says that we have something very special planned for next week. Before we can find out what that is, Jeff Hardy comes out to the ring to have a word with the Madame. She tells Jeff that he lost, he's a loser, and she's out here trying to make an announcement, but Jeff says that what she did last week will haunt her, and he's here to get something important off his chest. Spud says this is not on the schedule and he doesn't know who Jeff Hardy thinks he is, but this is Dixie Carter. Jeff tries to talk, but Spud cuts Jeff off and says that, as the Chief of Staff, he wants Hardy (the fans chant for Hardy and Spud tells them to shut up) to take his Creatures, stick them up his backside, and get out of his ring, and then maybe he'll give him some time to talk next week. Jeff grabs Spud by the next and says "I SAID THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE", but Ethan Carter III comes out to rescue his Aunt Dee and lays Hardy out. Dixie tries to continue making her announcement, but Sting comes out and EC3 bails, leaving poor Aunt Dee alone in the ring. She looks a lot less scared than EC3 (the wrestler) does as Sting says he's tired of these young punks coming in here and thinking they can say or do whatever they want without consequences. He's not leaving the ring until he gets what he and the fans want, which is to kick the entitled crap out of EC3. Actually, he has a better idea: since EC3 came here to be a pro wrestler, why doesn't he team with Spud to face Sting and Jeff Hardy? Dixie says she won't do it, she's here to make an announcement, and she doesn't care what he wants. Sting says he knows she doesn't care what he wants, but he still demands to team with Hardy against these two idiots. Dixie says these are her fans, not Sting's, and it's not what he wants, it's what she wants, and she wants EC3 and Spud to shut Sting and Hardy up. Her music plays and she tells them to kill her music because she's talking, but they ignore her, keep playing her music, and go to commercial.

Okay, we're back and Dixie must not have gotten the message because she's still in the ring trying to make her announcement. She gets cut off again when Gunner's music hits and he comes out to the ring with his World Title shot in hand. He says he knows Dixie thinks what she has to say is important, but what he has to say is more important because his briefcase contains a title shot, he's cashing it in, and he wants his title shot. Dixie says that she's in a very giving mood, so since he wants a title shot, he is denied because Magnus is across the pond celebrating with millions of his fans in England. Gunner is going to have to take a raincheck, she Gunner can take a walk so she can make her announcement. Gunner stops her again and tells Dixie to let Magnus know that, whether it's this week or next week, he's cashing the title shot in and he'd better be ready. Dixie tells Gunner that's awesome, then ignores him to continue her announcement when James Storm comes out to the ring to join the party. He's sorry to interrupt, but he thinks Gunner owes him something. Gunner doesn't agree, but Storm told him not to interfere in his match with Roode since it was his opportunity, but Gunner threw in the towel on him. Gunner says he's right because Storm was about to get slammed onto barbed wire after getting beaten up in a bar the night before, and he did what was right for his friend. Storm says it wasn't the first time he got beat up in a bar and it won't be the last, but he wants to know how Roode knew he was in the bar and who stooged him off. Gunner asks Storm if he thought he was the stooge, and Storm says he's damn right. The fans chant "stooge" at Gunner as Storm tells Gunner face to face that he wants a match with him right here and right now for that briefcase. Dixie says there's enough drama here, and if they're going to do this, it's going to benefit her, so these two are going to face off right now, and they're going to fight for that World Title briefcase, and that's what Gunner gets for interrupting her. She says sh'e decided not to make her announcement, and now everyone has to wait to find out what she has to say. Gunner takes his jacket off and he's going to fight Storm after this commercial break!

World Title Shot: James Storm vs Gunner

We join the match in progress as we come back from commercial, and Storm tries unsuccessfully to muscle Gunner around, so her uses his speed to outmaneuver Gunner and nail him with a leaping enziguiri for 2. Gunner muscles Storm into the corner and nails him with some shoulderblocks to the ribs, but Storm takes Gunner back to the mat and gets another 2. Gunner easily pops Storm up into a vertical suplex for 2, then we hit the chinlock. Storm gets free and they trade right hands, and a clothesline from Gunner sends both men out to the floor. They fight it out on the floor and both men get counted out.

DOUBLE COUNTOUT

Storm and Gunner continue brawling on the floor and up the ramp as a mob of referees come out to try and separate them. Match lasted all of four minutes, but I guess we can't waste time on wrestling when we have Dixie Carter promos to get to!

Brooke Tessmacher finds sulky Emo Ray in the back and says she's been calling and texting him for weeks, and wonders what happened to him. He obviously doesn't want all this (indicating her hot bod), so she's going out to the ring to air out all his dirtiest, darkest secrets. Bubba finally speaks and says "Brooke...that's really not a good a idea." Brooke still doesn't look happy and walks off.

We go to a video package of Brutus Magnus as he talks about how his entire TNA career has just been one dead end idea after another, and even the team with Joe was just a throwaway thing until they became the best tag team in the business. He wraps up talking about when he got taken out by Aces & Eights in 2012, and I guess we'll hear more from him later.

Brooke Tessmacher comes out to the ring and says it's been weeks since she talked to Bully Ray, and she knows it's because she threw the hammer, but she refuses to take responsibility for this and wants Bubba to come out and tell the truth. Bully comes out in his emo hood and sunglasses, and she grabs his hand and says it's neither of their fault that Aces & Eights came to an end. Bully turns away and walks to the corner, and Brooke says she's tired of being his dog, and he was the one who told her throw the hammer. She watched him destroy Aces & Eights, his family, and even his own brother, and he was supposed to be her ticket to fame and fortune, but now he's like that lame high school kid who has no friends and nobody wants to talk to them. He says nothing, so she starts stomping her feet and yells at him to talk to her. She says she's not scared of him, she doesn't need him, and she is done. She throws down the mic and starts to walk off, but Bubba grabs her by the arm and says that she's done when he's done with her. He doesn't blame her for losing the World Title, and he doesn't blame her for the end of Aces & Eights or screwing everything up, because seriously, she's not much in the brains department. He didn't keep her around because she was the smartest girl in the world, it was because he had certain uses for her, and she wasn't even that good at those certain uses. Sometimes when he shut his eyes, he actually wished he was back with Brooke Number 1. The scary music starts, and he says he could treat her like Ken Anderson and piledrive her on her ugly face, but he won't do that because he has one last use for her: he's going to use her to spread his word. She knows how evil he is and how sadistic he can be, and he wants her to let everyone know what's in store for them. He takes his sunglasses off and backs her into the corner, looks into her eyes, and says it's going to be a lot worse, he's done with her, and to leave. Brooke slides out of the ring and backs her way up the ramp, shaking her head at Bubba as she backs away.

You know, the spooky music is really stupid, Bubba's promos are great and the music ruins them. It's like a year or two ago when we'd hear Jeff Hardy's internal monologue backstage, it just look dumb and makes it hard to take the guy seriously.

Joseph Park is backstage wondering what Eric Young got him into because the barbed wire is so sharp.

We see the second part of the Rise of Magnus, as he talks about returning to TNA in England and getting a huge reaction, then being invited into the Main Event Mafia. He was thrilled at the time, but eventually came to realize that he was only there because the other members felt threatened by him.

Dixie Carter is backstage with Ethan Carter IIi and Spud, and EC3 says he isn't worried about hanging with Sting and Hardy, but Spud is small and he could get hurt. Dixie stops him, tells him that she doesn't like his tone, and reminds him that they're Carters and the world needs them.

We look back at the recent history of Joseph Park, then we go backstage where Eric Young is giving him a pep talk. He tells the sound guy to hit his music, but the Abyss music plays instead, and Park says that's not his music, but EY says it is, hands him Janice, and sends him out to the ring. Full Metal Mayhem is up next!

Sting and Jeff Hardy are in the locker room and Sting is talking about how he's marking out because he always wanted to team with Hardy (his words), but Hardy is a lot more reserved because of the whole thing with Dixie earlier. Sting says he's Jeff Hardy and not to worry about it, but Hardy still looks distracted.

Full Metal Mayhem: Joseph Park vs Bad Influence

Park looks like a deer in the headlights, and he tries to hold Daniels and Kazarian off with Janice, but they go after him with a kendo stick and a crutch and beat him down. Kazarian chokes Park with the kendo stick, then they unload on him with a series of double teams. Bad Influence brings in a couple of trash cans and chairs, and Kazarian goes to hit Park with a chair, but Daniels stops him because they don't want him to start bleeding. Park uses the opening to hit a couple of hiptosses, but Kazarian gets pissed and beats Park down with a chair before dumping him hard to the floor. They go out after Park and ram him into the steel steps, check him for blood, and Daniels goes "nope, he's good" and then they go back to beating him up. Park suddenly backdrops a charging Daniels out to the floor, rams Kazarian into a steel chair set up in the corner, then covers Kazarian with a trash can lid and big splashes him. Park puts Kazarian in the Boston Crab, but Daniels comes in and cracks Park over the back with the crutch. Kazarian gets ahold of Janice, but Park either rolls out of the ring or falls out (I couldn't tell which). Bad Influence is laughing it up in the ring as Eric Young comes down to ringside and tells Joseph that he can do it. Park tells Young that he needs his help, and EY goes to bust Park open again, but Bad Influence stops him by beating him up and ramming him into the ringpost. They dump Young into the ring and go to nail him with a kendo stick, but Park rolls into the ring right behind and accidentally takes the cane shot that was meant for EY. Park immediately gets the crimson mask and Bad Influence freezes as they realize what's about to happen, and they go after him with the weapons in the ring, but Park no-sells them, cleans both their clocks with the kendo stick, splashes Kazarian in the corner, and hits him with Shock Treatment. Park hits Daniels with the Black Hole Slam and covers for the win.

Winner: Joseph Park

Eric Young is ecstatic at ringside, and comes in to join his buddy as he Abysses up. Park turns around and sees Young, then walks to the corner and picks Janice up and holds her high as EY smiles like Emperor Palpatine watching Anakin get rebuilt into Darth Vader.

Lei'D Tapa and Gail Kim are backstage, and they're...WALKING! And so is ODB!

Jeff Hardy is backstage on his cell phone telling Beth (his wife) that he's thought about this and he needs to do this. Okay, guess we'll find out what that's about later on.

We go to the third part of the Rise of Magnus, as he talks about how the Bound For Glory Series was when he established himself. He led the Series the entire time until the very end when AJ Styles leapfrogged him and beat him in the finals. Magnus says the losses are the most important things in your career, and he came out of there knowing that he never wanted to feel that way again. He beat Sting in the middle of the ring, and decied right then and there that Sting, Kurt Angle, and Samoa Joe weren't going to get him where he wanted to be, and there was only one guy who would get him there.

Gail Kim and Lei'D Tapa come out to the ring and Gail says that her loss to her former BFF Madison Rayne was a fluke, and that sticking her nose in Gail's business meant it was also going into Tapa's business. Gail calls ODB out, and our next match begins now...

ODB vs Lei'D Tapa

ODB isn't intimidated, and she shoves Tapa around, but takes some hard hitting power offense. ODB dodges a charge and lays in a series of hard chops, but Tapa doesn't go down after a pair of shoulderblocks. Tapa gets ODB by the throat, ODB breaks the holds and goes for a slam, but Tapa blocks and rams ODB into the corner. Tapa picks ODB up over her shoulder, but ODB slips out and lays in some more shots. ODB charges Tapa in the corner, but runs into her boot. Tapa goes to the second rope, but ODB rolls out of the way of Tapa's legdrop. More chops from ODB, more shoulderblocks, a dropkick, and a charging clothesline in the corner. Gail slides her title belt into the ring and the referee turns his back while getting it out of the ring as ODB picks TGapa up for a slam. Gail trips ODB, Tapa hits the TKO Stunner, and covers ODB for the win.

Winner: Lei'D Tapa

Gali gets a microphone and tells Madison that ODB should be a lesson to her, because getting into herbusiness is getting into Tapa's business, and that's not a business you want to be in.

Velvet Sky is backstage telling Chris Sabin that he made her holiday great, and Sabin says that's all good, but he has his rematch with Austin Aries for the X Division Title next week and, since she cost him the title, he'd like her to do anything he asks her to so she can help out. Velvet says she wants to be there for him, and Sabin says if she can't do what he says, maybe he should just find some girl who can. Sabin walks off while Velvet begs him to come back in a scenario I totally believe can happen in real life.

Sting is backstage with Jeff Hardy, telling him that he doesn't know what's going on in Hardy's head, but that he needs him to be there for him when they go out for the main event. Hardy is Hardy, and we go to commercial.

We go to the fourth and final part of the Rise of Magnus, as he talks about how Dixie Carter saw him in a magazine that had AJ Styles on the cover, she called him up right away, and asked him to come to TNA. He always knew that he had Dixie to look out for him, and even though she thought Hardy would have been her champion, he spit in her face and decided that Magnus was the one to go with, so he took advantage of it. He's Dixie's champion, and this is a partnership that will last for years to come.

It's main event time! Wait a minute, Dixie Carter comes up on the screen and she's ready to make her announcement: there will be a coronation for her champion Magnus next week, and also that tonight's main event will be a tag match, but it'll be a handicap match as the Bromans will team with EC3 and Spud. The Bromans and Zema Ion come out to the ring as we go to commercial.

Sting & Jeff Hardy vs Ethan Carter III & Rockstar Spud

The bell rings and we are underway, EC3 and Sting go nose to nose, then he tags out to Spud, who is at least a foot shorter than Sting. He scurries back to the corner and tags out to Jessie Godderz, who unloads with a series of offense that Sting no sells before coming back and laying out both Bromans. Sting drags Robbie to the corner and tags in Hardy, who gleefully dishes out punishment to Robbie as well. Hardy second rope splashes Robbie for 2 and then dumps him out to the floor, dumps Jessie as well, then springboards off Sting's back and wipes out the entire heel team, including Zema Ion. The heels eventually drag Hardy out to the floor and stomp him out as Sting protests vigorously. Robbie E covers Hardy for 2, then drills him with right hands as we go to commercial.

We're back, and Hardy is still getting beat up by bad guys. Jessie gets him in a half crab, then the heels bait Sting into the ring so they can stomp the hell out of Hardy 4-on-1 again. You'd really think Sting would know better than that by now. EC3 gets a nice back suplex, but stops to mock Sting with the howl and gets caught with a jawbreaker from Hardy, who gets away and makes a tag to Sting. Sting comes in like a house of fire, destroying the entire heel team by himself. Spud jumps on Sting's back, and Sting continues beating up the heels even with Spud on his back. Stinger Splash for Robbie, one for Jessie, and EC3 sneaks in and rolls Sting up for 3.

Winners: Ethan Carter III, Rockstar Spud & the Bromans

Sting looks pissed that he lost, but he looks more pissed at Hardy. Hardy gets a mic and says he's sorry, and he's been asked a million times why he wanted to get in the business, and he says it was because of Sting. He says that without Sting, there never would have been a Jeff Hardy. Well, there would, but he wouldn't have been a wrestler maybe. Anyway, Hardy says Sting and the fans don't deserve this, but Dixie Carter has taken his heart out and it's driven him crazy because he needs his heart. Well yeah, we all do. Hardy destroyed himself alst week and he didn't win, but Dixie Carter doesn't own him She owns Magnus, but not him, and the politics have him so sick. The fans chant for Hardy and he says he appreciates it, but- wait a minute, Sting tells him not to say what he was about to say. Hardy wants to stay and fight, but the fight's all gone man, it's all gone. The fans chant NO at him, but Hardy says this was his last match in TNA, he's going to leave this building, and he won't return until the sun shines on this dark kingdom. He thanks the creatures and says he loves them, takes his shirt and dainty arm bands off, shakes Sting's hand and hugs him, and leaves Sting speechless in the ring, bringing the show to a close as Hardy's pile of discarded clothing lays silently in the middle of the ring.

And now, let's watch some redneck crackheads get smacked up on COPS! Hey, all suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law! (snicker snicker)

Thanks for reading the Impact Wrestling Report here on PWInsider.com! I'll be back tomorrow to discuss Impact and more with Dave Scherer on the Stu & Pid Show!