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WWE RAW REPORT: CHRIS JERICHO WRESTLES LIKE HIS PROMOS; A DREAM SIX MAN TAG TEAM; ZACK RYDER DEFENDS THE UNITED STATES TITLE; SOMEONE IS GETTING SCREWED AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE; A HARDCORE LEGEND RETURNS

By Richard Trionfo on 2012-01-16 23:10:17
This week’s episode of Raw begins with the annual footage of the I Have a Dream Speech from Martin Luther King Junior since it is Martin Luther King Day.

We are live from Anaheim, California and your announcers are Jerry ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ Lawler and Michael ‘Is Anaheim ready for the Funk’ Cole.

Mick Foley starts things off and he makes his way to the ring.

We see that CM Punk and Daniel Bryan will be facing Mark Henry and Dolph Ziggler in a tag match. Zack Ryder will defend the United States Title against Jack Swagger tonight.

Mick says that he is here tonight for two simple reasons. He would never pass up an opportunity to spend the day at Disneyland, right here in Anaheim. Second, he says that he was more than content to be involved in a non-physical and nostalgic role. Foley says that he enjoyed being Santa on Smackdown and he was happy being in the This is Your Life segment with John Cena, even though it was not that good.

Mick says that he has accomplished everything in the ring, including headlining Wrestlemania in this building with his wife and children in attendance. Mick says that he has two more kids so he wants to be able to have his kids see him in the ring. He wants Mickey and Huey to see their dad in the ring one more time.

Mick says that he is here to announce that he will be in the Royal Rumble.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to the ring with Dolph Ziggler and she throws out some Excuse Mes. She introduces the next WWE Champion, Dolph Ziggler.

Dolph takes the mic and he points out that there are thirty precious spots in the Royal Rumble for the golden ticket of Wrestlemania, but Mick wants to show up to take one. Dolph wants to know if Mick is willing to take the spot of the person whose dream it is to make it to Wrestlemania so Mick can show off for his snotty kids. Mick says yes.

Dolph says that he saw Mick doing his standup and if this is one of his bits, it is funny. If not, Mick’s shot in the Royal Rumble would go just like this. Yay, our daddy is in the Royal . . . whoops, daddy got eliminated.

Mick says that could happen and it could be considered the biggest mistake of his life. There is an unpredictability with the Royal Rumble. Mick might draw a number in his favor. There could be the same magic that was there when Mick won the World Championship three times.

Mick says that he is not in there only to participate. Mick says that he has higher aspirations. He is in the Royal Rumble to win it.

Dolph says that is what everyone wishes for and what he works all year for. Dolph mentions that he beat John Cena last week. He beat CM Punk two weeks in a row. Dolph says that he cannot believe that Mick is out here and Dolph says that he cannot believe the possibility of having to face Mick Foley for the WWE Championship if Foley wins at the Royal Rumble. He calls Mick a glorified stuntman and punchline.

Dolph says that Mick came here to make one more point. He came out here to make a fool of himself one last time and Foley succeeded. Dolph tells Mick that it is over and he tells Mick to go home, buy a new shirt, eat a salad, and just go away.

CM Punk’s music plays and he makes his way into the arena.

Punk stands by Foley’s side in the ring. Punk says that it is so good to see Mick, right here in Anaheim, California.

Dolph suggests that Mick and Punk buy clothes from the same homeless person.

Punk says that they don’t look, talk, or try to fit in the mold like every other WWE Superstar. They don’t hide behind a woman. They do their talking themselves. Punk calls Vickie a poor excuse for a woman.

Everything they have achieved, they have earned, unlike a guy in the ring wearing a pink shirt with a guest referee in his pocket. Punk then insults John Laurinaitis. With the turd in the punchbowl referee, Punk says that he will still be the WWE Champion. It is because he is the best in the world.

Punk says that he thinks it would be damn cool if he faced Mick Foley for the WWE Title.

Vickie says that there is a wrestler in the ring named Dolph Ziggler. Punk tells Vickie to stop talking.

John Laurinaitis comes out and he has an announcement. John wants Punk to look at him. He reminds everyone what his job is. He says that as the guest referee, he will be completely unbiased in the match. To show how fair he can be, he will take Mick’s request to be in the 2012 Royal Rumble under advisement. John says that he has thought long and hard and his answer is NO.

John walks to the back and Vickie laughs in Mick’s face.

Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston are walking in the back but they do not have their tag title belts because they lost the titles to Epico and Pimo in Oakland.

We go to commercial.

We are back and we see footage from the Tag Title Match in Oakland when Epico and Primo beat Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston to become the new tag champions.

Match Number One: Epico and Primo with Rosa Mendes versus Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston for the WWE Tag Titles

Epico and Bourne start off and Epico with punches and Bourne with a sunset flip for a near fall. Bourne with a head scissors take down. Epico with a kick and Primo tags in and Bourne with a springboard cross body but Epico and Primo catch Bourne and hit a double fallaway slam. Primo kicks and punches Bourne.

Epico tag back in and Bourne with a rana that sends Epico off the turnbuckles and into Primo. Kofi tags in and he hits a springboard clothesline on both men followed by a clothesline, back elbow, and drop kick. Kofi with a Superman punch to Epico and then he hits the Boom Drop.

Kofi sets for Trouble in Paradise but Primo tries to interfere. Epico with a rollup for a near fall on Kofi. Kofi with Trouble in Paradise and Bourne tags in and Primo sends Kofi into the ring post and Epico crotches Bourne and he hits a lungblower for the three count.

Winners: Epico and Primo

John Laurinaitis is texting someone and we get to watch. Mr. Coffee enters and he gives a package to John. David slurps after saying that someone needs to come into the match. The tag match is now a six man tag match with David Otunga, Dolph Ziggler, and Mark Henry against CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and . . . Chris Jericho. Chris enters into the camera shot and he turns off the lights and turns on his jacket.

We go to commercial.

We are back and it is time to talk about the six man tag match that was made from the scheduled tag match. Jerry Lawler mentions that the envelope that was handed to John earlier was Zack’s medical report.

Zack is in the interview area and his ribs have been taped. He is with Eve. Josh asks Zack if he is cleared to wrestle. Zack says that he does not know. Eve says that he should not be wrestling tonight. Zack says that he is going to go to the ring and he is not going to forfeit the title. Eve says that she is going with Zack to the ring.

We see a Kane video package about what he has done to Zack Ryder the last few weeks.

Match Number Two: Jack Swagger with Vickie Guerrero versus Zack Ryder with Eve Torres for the United States Title

Swagger with a forearm to the injured ribs and then he hits a side slam. Swagger with a hard Irish whip. Swagger with forearms to the back and then he runs into Ryder’s knees in the corner. Ryder comes off the turnbuckles and Swagger catches Ryder and hits a back breaker. Swagger with a Swagger Bomb to the back and he gets a near fall.

Swagger with the Doctor Bomb and he only gets a two count. Swagger with another Doctor Bomb and Swagger can only get a two count. Swagger with elbows to the back. Swagger with a third Doctor Bomb and he finally gets the three count.

Winner: Jack Swagger

We go to commercial.

We are back with a Moments Ago Moment of Jack Swagger becoming the United States Champion.

The doctor is checking on Ryder and John Laurinaitis enters and he says that Zack was not medically cleared but he did not read the report until after the match. Eve yells at John but John tells her to shut her mouth and show him some respect.

It is time for our guest ring announcer and it is Perez Hilton.

Match Number Three: Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox versus The Bellas

Brie with a knee to Kelly and then she kicks Kelly. Brie runs Kelly into the corner and kicks her. Brie misses a clothesline and Kelly with a bulldog for a near fall. Nikki replaces Brie in the ring but Perez pulls Nikki out of the ring.

Kelly with a rollup for the three count.

Winners: Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox

After the match, The Bellas push Perez down and then Kelly and Alicia stand up for Perez.

It is time to take a look at what happened last week when Big Show ran over AJ Lee during the World Title Match.

We go to commercial.

We are back and R Truth makes his way to the ring.

Before Truth can say anything, Wade Barrett comes out and he throws off his jacket before making his way to the ring.

Wade apologizes to Truth for interrupting him. Wade tells us who he is and he says that is a name that we are going to hear soon as the winner of the 2012 Royal Rumble match. Wade thanks everyone that the old git Mick Foley is not one of the thirty. Wade says that he is in the match and so is the delusional lunatic in the ring with him.

Truth says hello to the guvnah. Little Jimmy wants to ask Wade if he knows that he talks funny. Truth says that they are across the street from the happiest place on Earth. Truth says that he went there earlier today and he had a smile on his face. He wants to see Wade’s smile. We have a slideshow of Truth’s day at Disneyland.

Truth tells Wade that he saw Pinocchio at Disneyland and he said that Wade was going to win the Royal Rumble, but his nose grew. Truth says that he believes that a mouse can talk and an elephant can fly, but he does not believe that Wade is going to win the Royal Rumble.

From out of nowhere, Miz attacks Truth from behind and Truth tries to fight back but Barrett joins in the attack.

It is time for the fill in for feuds moment and Sheamus comes out and Barrett and Miz leave the ring.

Teddy Long comes out because he has nothing to do with Raw. Teddy says that he is taking charge since John is busy. Teddy suggests that we have an Over the Top Rope Challenge.

Match Number Four: Miz versus R Truth versus Sheamus versus Wade Barrett in an Over the Top Rope Challenge

Sheamus goes after Barrett while Miz goes after Truth. Barrett with punches and Miz tries to eliminate Truth but Truth gets free. Sheamus with elbows to Barrett and then Barrett with kicks. Sheamus punches Barrett while Truth punches Miz. Truth and Sheamus try to eliminate Barrett and Miz joins in.

Miz punches Truth and Sheamus takes care of both men. Sheamus with punches and kicks to Miz in the corner. Truth punches Sheamus and then Truth tries to eliminate Sheamus but Sheamus stays in the ring. Sheamus sends Truth into the corner and then Truth floats over in the corner and does a split followed by a leg lariat.

Miz with a clothesline to Truth followed by a running boot to the head. Miz throws Truth over the top rope but he lands on the apron. Miz sets for the Awesome Clothesline but Sheamus recovers and hits a clothesline of his own. Sheamus with double sledges to Miz and then he connects with a series of forearms across Miz’ chest.

Sheamus hits his own chest to set for the Brogue Kick but Miz ducks down and Sheamus gets caught on the top rope. Miz punches Sheamus but Sheamus pushes Miz away. Sheamus gets ready to eliminate Miz, but Truth comes from under Sheamus and eliminates both Sheamus and Miz.

Winner: R Truth

After the match, Sheamus with a Brogue Kick to Miz on the floor and then Sheamus points through Truth to the imaginary Wrestlemania 28 sign that will be hanging over the ring at the Royal Rumble.

John Laurinaitis is texting again and John Cena storms in and accuses Laurniaitis of screwing over Ryder. Cena says that he will show how concerned about Kane he is if he shows up. Kane will face John Cena at the Royal Rumble. Cena will face the new United States Champion tonight.

We go to commercial and Laurinaitis goes texting.

Match Number Five: Jack Swagger versus John Cena in a Non Title Match

Cena punches Swagger and Irish whips him and hits a splash into the corner. Cena punches Swagger and throws him over the top rope to the floor. Cena sends Swagger into the ring post. Cena punches Swagger while the referee warns him. Cena chokes Swagger on the announce table while the referee warns Cena. Cena with a punch to the head and then he kicks Swagger. Cena with a front face lock and then Cena Irish whips Swagger into the ring steps.

Cena adjusts the ring steps and he slams Swagger’s head into the steps multiple times. Cena thinks about stomping Swagger’s head on the ring step but Cena remembers that bullying is bad.

Cena picks up the ring steps and he is going to drop them on Swagger, but Kane’s pyro goes off and we know that Kane takes forever to get to the ring so Cena drops the steps and gets into the ring.

Kane says that Cena is starting to get it. Kane says that by the time they get to the Royal Rumble, Cena will have embraced the hate. Kane signals for the pyro but it is on a brief delay.

We go to commercial.

Match Number Five: Brodus Clay with the Funkettes versus JTG

Brodus steals the butt shimmying from Eve before locking up. Brodus with a waist lock and JTG with a punch and then he looks like he is humping Clay’s leg. Clay with a punch and head butt. Brodus with a T-Bone suplex followed by a splash into the corner and the cross body for the three count.

Winner: Brodus Clay

We go to commercial.

We are back and Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole talk about the collision between Big Show and AJ during the World Title Match on Smackdown. We also see Bryan calling Show a bastard for what he did.

Daniel Bryan makes his way out to tell everyone how AJ is doing. Daniel says that most of the people think that Big Show is a lovable, gentle giant. Big Show is a cruel, inhospitable freak who at over 500 pounds had no problem bowling over his 95 pound girlfriend AJ. Daniel says that AJ has been traumatized and she will never be the same.

Show could have avoided this, but Show intentionally ran over his girlfriend to get to him and his World Title. Bryan says that Show never said that he was sorry. Show was crying like a blithering idiot. Bryan says that Show was faking with the crying. He tells Show never to show his face on Smackdown. Bryan says that if he shows up, he will make him pay.

This Friday on Smackdown, he has a World Title Match against Mark Henry. Right now, Bryan says that he is going to dedicate that match to his girlfriend AJ. Last week, she told Bryan that she loved him and he appreciates that. On Friday, he will show AJ how much.

Match Number Six: Daniel Bryan with a heavy heart, Chris Jericho with a shiny jacket, and CM Punk without any ice cream bars versus Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler with Vickie Guerrero, and David Otunga with his bottomless cup of coffee

Punk starts things off against Ziggler. Punk with a waist lock and take down into a front face lock. Punk with a slam and kick. Punk with a punch and suplex for a near fall. Bryan tags in and he kicks Ziggler and he follows it with a European uppercut. Bryan with a shoulder tackle but he trips on Ziggler and Ziggler with a kick to Bryan. Ziggler with a DDT to the leg.

Otunga tags in and he kicks Bryan in the hamstring and then he hyperextends the knee. Ziggler tags back in and Ziggler with a snap mare and a leaping elbow drop for a near fall while the fans chant for Jericho. Ziggler with a single leg crab on Bryan but Bryan gets to the ropes.

Ziggler misses a splash into the corner and Punk is tagged in and he faces his former Nexus protégé Otunga. Punk with a side head lock and take down. Punk with a head butt to the midsection but Otunga with a boot and Ziggler tags in and he kicks Punk. Ziggler with a neck breaker. Ziggler with a side head lock on Punk but Punk with a back breaker to get out of the hold.

Ziggler keeps Punk from making the tag and Otunga tags in and he connects with a double sledge and boots. Otunga puts Punk on the turnbuckles and he tries for a superplex but Punk stops Otunga and he knocks him off with a head butt. Punk goes up top for the Savage elbow and he hits it.

Punk tags in Jericho and he wants to hear the crowd instead of wrestling. Jericho tags in Bryan without doing anything and Jericho goes to the back.

We go to commercial.

We are back and Ziggler with a leg submission and chin lock. We see Bryan hitting the turnbuckles when Otunga moved on the drop kick into the corner. Bryan with a kick and Ziggler is down. Dolph tries to keep Bryan from making the tag but Punk tags in.

Punk with a clothesline followed by a neck breaker. Punk with the running knee and a bulldog to Ziggler. Punk with a springboard clothesline for a near fall. Henry gets involved and Henry puts Bryan on the apron but Bryan punches Henry. Henry wants to know if that is all that Bryan has. Bryan hobbles away and Henry follows after him. Henry sends Bryan up the ramp.

Meanwhile, there is a match going on.

Mick Foley’s music plays while Punk and Ziggler are down in the ring. Foley wants to be a part of the match and he says that Laurinaitis okayed it.

Ziggler grabs Punk’s leg to prevent Foley from tagging in. Punk misses an enzuigiri and Ziggler hits a Fameasser for a near fall. Ziggler kicks Punk and hits a neck breaker. Ziggler with a second neck breaker for a near fall. Punk with a round kick to the head and both men are down.

Foley and Otunga tag in and Foley punches Otunga and sends him into the turnbuckles. Foley with punches in the corner and then he hits the running knee into the corner. Foley waits for Otunga to get up and he hits the double underhook DDT and it is time for Foley to dig into his pants and Mr. Socko is out.

Foley with the Mandible Claw and Otunga is out.

Winners: Chris Jericho, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and Mick Foley

After the match, Super Texter John Laurinaitis comes out and he says that he never gave Foley permission to be in the match. John says that he is going to have to reverse the decision.

Punk takes the mic and he wants to know if John doesn’t like that. Punk asks John if he thinks he is disrespectful. He says that John is not going to do anything about this. Punk wants John to listen to him and shut up. He tells John to man up, take his balls out of his purse, and figure out the situation.

This is all about who John is not. The people have no idea who John is because when he was a competitor, he had the look, but he sucked in the ring. Punk brings up how John’s brother was part of one of the greatest tag teams while John was boring and vanilla. Punk says that it kills John that he never made it to the ring in WWE. John went from someone who sucked to someone who sucked up. He says that John cannot accept that Punk has achieved more in the last year than his entire life.

Punk says that John is going to screw him at the Royal Rumble. Better people have tried and they have failed. Punk says that he is the WWE Champion and John cannot stand it. Punk says that there is nothing that John can do at the Rumble because he will always be better than John. Punk says that if he screws him, he will not hit the GTS or put John in the Anaconda Vice. They will talk about how John Laurinaitis looks like he went through a meat grinder because CM Punk kicked his pathetic ass.

Punk makes Laurinaitis flinch and then he calls John pathetic.

Foley gives Laurinaitis the thumbs up while he paces around the ring trying to figure out what to text.

John introduces himself and he reminds us of his title. John says that he is not pathetic and he says that he will not be intimidated by CM Punk.

Foley wants John to admit that he will screw over Punk at the Royal Rumble. Foley calls John a sycophant and then he dumbs it down for John and calls him a kiss ass.

John wants to know who Foley thinks he is talking to. John says he is going to screw Punk. He says that he is sick and tired of being disrespected and pushed around. He says that he is sick and tired of being bullied. He puts on the most entertaining show every week and he is not appreciated for it.

John hits Foley in the head with the mic.

We go to credits.