JCW ST. ANDREWS BRAWL iPPV REPORT: SABU, RHINO, MADMAN PONDO, NECRO BUTCHER, U-GENE, 2 TOUGH TONY, CPL. ROBINSON AND MORE
By Mat Carter on 2011-05-05 09:49:15
This was my second JCW iPPV and I’ve watched most of the old Slam TV’s from JCW. Last week’s coverage by Mike Johnson cracked me up. I’m not a Juggalo so I don’t understand some of the references they make or enjoy the musical acts.
I had all sorts of problems trying to log in. It took at least 20 minutes and 2 reboots. Still this week no full screen, but i did figure out how to get rid of the chat.
Video got started around 7:09 with a really dark screen and drums to a 10 second count down.
First introduced is DJ Clay, then Kevin Gill and Shaggy 2 Dope as our announce team.
KG welcomes us to St Andrews Brawl. "We are here to show you what the F**k JCW is all about" and runs down the card.
Things Gordon Solie never said: "Let's get this s**t straight."
Bull Pain and Isabella Smothers interrupt and make their way into the ring with a mic. They both run down the crowd and Isabella declares her love for Bull Pain. Then Isabella issues an open challenge to prove their "bond is strong". Bull Pain thinks its a bad idea but Isabella says his love makes her stronger and to go to the back because she has it covered. Bull Pain goes to the back and out comes Corporal Robinson. The announcers wonder if he is cleared medically to wrestle.Corporal Robinson vs. Isabella Smothers
Things Gordon Solie never said: "Thank God we don't have doctors to regulate s**t."
Corp lets Isabella get in the first shot. They go back and forth with Corp getting in a few shots and Isabella begging off. After a chair shot to Isabella, Bull Pain makes his way out and keeps Corp from making the pin. Bull and Isabella try to double team Corp, but Isabella hits Bull with a bat. Then Corp hits Boot Camp on Isabella and a superkick to Bull Pain.
Your winner, Corporal Robinson!
KG makes his way to the ring to get a few words with the winner. He is asked how he is feeling after getting choke slammed off the stage through a table at the last show. Corp says it was hard, but all the love from the Juggalo's made his recovery faster. He says he is gonna work his way from the bottom to the top of the roster to get his JCW World Title back.
A JCW Video package aired.
Up Chuck the Clown is back as the ring announcer and so are the somewhat hot ring girls.Superstar Bill Martel vs. Kawabata
Things Gordon Solie never said: "I'm f**king Geeked."
Martel starts off by attacking Kawabata before the bell. Kawabata then dominates with karate style kicks and chops.
Things Gordon Solie never said "Right in the d**k button."
After a punch to the "eggroll", Martell then works over Kawabata with the old school ground game. They are not doing the sound effects this week and that is AWESOME! Martell goes to the top and misses and elbow drop. They fight back and forth and Kawabata uses blue mist and hits "Kurt Kobain" for the win.
Your Winner, Kawabata!
They air a video package about the JCW Fan Fest.
I see Sexy Slim Goody! Awesome. Jason Dukes is hillarious.
#1 Contenders Match for JCW Tag Titles: The Bumpin' Uglies vs Mad Man Pondo and Necro Butcher.
This is gonna be a brawl. Chairs, stop signs, and other assorted plunder in the ring. All four start off brawling in the ring. Necro and one of the Uglies fight outside the ring. Necro goes to the top rope and says its not high enough. They all then make their way to the crowd. Necro then does a pretty ugly looking dive off the balcony onto both of the Uglies. Necro stays on the floor selling a leg while Pondo takes both of the Uglies back toward the ring and take control and do some double team work on Pondo. They ram Pondo into a chair in the corner and he is now busted wide open. The continue to work Pondo over until Necro makes his way back into the ring as a house of fire, but his leg gives out and the Uglies are back in control. The commentary in this match has been extremely lame as the guys discuss how the Uglies are actually Martians.
Bull Pain now gets back up and brings a cinder block and sledgehammer in the ring. He corners one of the Uglies and smashed the cinder block in the crotch with the sledge. Now a table is set up and the other Ugly is thrown from the tope rope through the table for the pin.
Your winners and #1 contenders Mad Man Pondo and Necro Butcher!
Pondo takes the mic after the match. He talks about the tag champs, the Ring Rydas. He says they will never underestimate them again. He says that Jugglos don't fight other Jugglos, so they will wait until the Ring Rydas drop the belts and then take the first shot at that team.
Talk now about May 18th iPPV Ponydown Throw Down and show a video package.
The announcers do some serious stalling.
Sexy Slim Goody vs U-Gene
Who doesn't love a big, fat blonde guy dancing to "If You Think I'm Sexy?"
U-Gene gets the mic and says his best friend Zach Gowen couldn't be here, but is watching on iPPV. U-Gene tries to get the crowd to sing happy birthday to Zach and Goody takes the mic and says no one wants to sing with him and that no one is really his friend. He calls Gowen a one legged loser and U-Gene snaps and takes it to him. The announcers call U-Gene the Rainman of Wrestling.
After a missed knee drop from the top rope, U-Gene works over the knee inside and outside the ring. Including a figure four around the ring post. Goody is tapping but the ref doesn't see it. U-Gene then says he is going tp turn Goody into a one legged man and pushes the ref and the match is declared a no contest. U-Gene then works over Goody's leg with a chair. Security has to drag U-Gene out and they have to help Goody to the back.
Now some bald guy comes out to introduce the Tag Champ match.The Haters vs. JCW Tag Team champions The Ring Rydas
All four start out in the ring. Haters get early advantage and its quickly turned around. Haters heel the crowd a bit and now its one on one. These guys are all masked so its a bit rough to talk about. The Rydas dominate now with quick tags. Ryda blue did a neat spot with a Matrix into a standing moonsault that was really cool. After that Haters dominate Ryda blue while Ryda red gets the crowd going.
Another cool spot with blue hitting a code breaker into red hitting a back senton from the top rope. Rydas dominate with some neat tag double team moves and a double dive to the outside. Haters now take control in the ring and hit a cool "lung blower". I think its a wheel barrell into a code breaker. They then hit the Hater Bomb but red makes the save. A top rope stomp and spike piledriver by the Rydas for the 3 count.
Your winners, The Riny Rydas!
This was a really fun match!
A video package airs about the 420 iPPV title match.
KG now goes to the ring to talk to the new champion Butler Jeeves. He comes out with Breyer Wellengton and Truth Martini. Truth grabs the mic from KG and shushes the crowd. He says he is now the manager of the greatest wrestler AND the jcw champion.
Butler Jeeves points out that Jeeves doesn't have a contract with Truth. Wellington then takes the mic and tells Jeeves to remember that he owns him and is his boss and that includes Truth Martini. Wellington says if he wants the belt, he can just take it.
JCW Commissioner Violent J comes out and points out that Butler Jeeves has to take on the #1 contender 2 Tuff Tony and he will meet him at the next iPPV for the title.
Now the musical guest so its time for a dinner break - As a point of reference, I was able to make a 15 minute run to Subway and back during the music act.
Now we are back with Badge vs. Mask - Officer Colt Cabana vs The Weedman
Colt comes out and again arrests one of the crowd members.
The story with Weedman's mask is that he is a huge pot dealer in the Detroit area and can't reveal his identity. The match didn't go very long with just a little back and forth. Weedman hits a few of his moves and out of the blue Colt hits the cell block slam for the pin.
Your winner Officer Colt Cabana!
Just as Colt is making Weedman take off his mask, he makes him an offer to keep his mask but become his deputy to arrest all of the Juggalos. Weedman thinks about it but just can't take off his mask so he shakes Colt's hand and Cabana screams "Police Family" and tells Deputy Weedman to take the Juggalo he arrested earlier and book him.
Now we look at a video about Rob Conway to prep for our main event.
Sabu with Charlie Brown and Rob Conway vs. Rhyno and 2 Tuff Tony
Charlie takes the mic and says Sabu is great and explains that 2 Tuff Tony paid Rob Conway to beat up Sabu. Charlie then says he had another idea and paid Conway more to turn on Tony and tonight his guys will win.
Tony and Rhyno control early and with Rhyno and Sabu now alone in the ring. Sabu gets worked over by Rhyno and Tony with quick tags. Rhyno distracts the ref while Sabu is down. This allows Conway to come in and lay out Tony. Now Sabu makes tag and Conway takes it to Tony. Tony finally manages a mule kick and in comes Rhyno as a house of fire. He sets up for a Gore Gore Gore against Conway and nails it but he can't make the pin.
Conway takes off his shirt and he has a steel plate on his chest. Rob then takes the mic and says he was paid to take out Rhyno and he did. If Charlie wants him to take out Tony he'll have to pay more...Charlie has no more money so he takes off and leaves Sabu alone in the ring.
Sabu then hits 3 Arabian facebusters on Tony but he was in the ropes for the pin. More chair shots and finally Tony gets a counter. He tries a moonsault from the 2nd rope but missed and Sabu goes into the camel clutch. Its not enough as Tony fights out and gets control with headbuts and now he's busted wide open and suplexes Sabu onto a chair but only a 2 count. Sabu tries to leave but Tony catches him and gives him a suplex on the stage.
Tony grabs his booze and walks to the ring to wait for a count out but Sabu crawls in only to get a top rope rocker dropper. The back of Sabu's head is busted open. Sabu then kicks out of a Tony driver so he loads up a lighted fist and clocks Sabu for a two count. Announcer says no one has ever kicked out of the flaming fist. Tony loads up for a second flaming fist and that one did the trick.
Your winner 2 Tuff Tony!
A pretty good, stiff brawl.
Out runs Wellington, Jeeves, and Martini to beat down on Tony because he is the #1 contender. Corporal Robinson comes out to make the save but the numbers game is too much. Out comes Violent J and he cleans the house but out comes Kongo Kong and takes out J. Shaggy now leaves the booth and takes a chair to clean out the ring.
Things Gordon Solie never said "You don't f**k with a bunch of clowns"
I think this was on par, if not better, than the last iPPV.
If you can get over the Juggalo thing and the blue commentary, there are a lot worse ways to spend $5.